Archive for March, 2005
March 31, 2005 at 5:24 pm · Filed under Work
1) I’ve noticed a definite correlation between the amount of time I spend reading funny stuff on Fark and the amount I enjoy what I’m doing at work. Coincidence? I think not. Luckily for me we’re hiring a programmer soon, so I will be able to laugh and tell him to “create dynamically driven pages that aren’t dynamically driven”. Take that nerd! We also have a running joke going here at the office that we’ll house the nerd in a closet stocked with dorito’s, pepsi and pornography because he’ll be more productive that way.2) I never noticed the “next blog” link in the top right corner of this screen before. It was pointed out to me recently so I decided to do this at work. (see above). At any rate, it turns out that the reason some people have blogs is so that they can post links to pornography. Lot’s of pornography. This is not a good thing to have pop up on your screen while at work. Mmm, hardcore raunch, just what I want my boss to see in my history, now where’s that erase cache button…..
Fin.
March 31, 2005 at 8:52 am · Filed under General
Take that man boobies! Last night I had a wonderful couple hours of battle with man boobies. A buddy of mine, who is in the military, has taken me under his wing. Hopefully I’ll be in real good shape come beach season. Or at the very least, be really good at marching and pushups.We did all free weight, which is cool because I haven’t done free weights in a long time. Lemme tell you something, I can not lift much weight with free weights. Damn you core muscles! On the machines I usually started my bench routine with 135. So I go to the old free weight, strap on 135 and go. I got 6, then almost died. This did not bode well. My buddy made me do all sorts of crazy pec hurting exercises that I never would have thought of, so I’m thinking this could be a good thing. He also liked to make me do something, then hold it. Ouch. (edit: On a proofread that sounded real dirty like, but isn’t. Really.) Like when we were doing fly’s and he made me hold my hands together for 3 seconds each rep.
At this rate I will be mighty soon I imagine. Sadly my buddy is being shipped off to Wainwright for like a month in May. I will attempt to continue my routine in his absense, but unless I find someone to fill the gap I’m afraid it may be unlikely.
March 30, 2005 at 1:04 pm · Filed under General
On my way home for lunch I was going up Groat Rd when I noticed some cowboy in a pickup coming up behind me fast. I also noticed that the car slightly ahead of me was going quite slow. Thus, I changed lanes and matched speed with the slow guy beside me, effectively boxing in Cowboy McTruck. Ahhahaha.
This is my favorite thing to do to stupid guys who drive trucks too fast.
March 30, 2005 at 9:05 am · Filed under General
Oops, I might have forgot to update the blog in the last week or so there. I thought about it several times, but I never really had anything to say really. Let me sum it up for you.I worked, visited family, Jesus died, I drove home, then He rose again. Now I’m working some more. I’m sure that this is all very interesting to those of you not living my life, but alas I couldn’t think of anything truly blog worthy in those last few days.
Last night though was cool. I went to get a cell phone, mostly so that I could use it as a ‘business line’ for my company. I just wanted a simple no frills flip phone. However, it would seem that Bell has some keerazy sale on so I got a flip/camera/camcorder phone for $99. That ain’t bad.
My last cell phone was pretty cool, but it was pretty cool 5 years ago. Things have changed. I can voice dial now. That’s awesome because the phone is tiny and my fingers are too fat to dial the numbers. Now I can just say “dial number 444-5555″ and it will do it for me. It’s nice to see that I’ve found yet another way to not be active. Eh!
Also, the camcorder, while cheesy, is rad. I wish that I lived a more rock & roll lifestyle so that I could document all of the cool things I do, but I suppose I’ll just have to stick with taping my dogs having a tugofwar. Tug of war? Is that right? It seems aweful violent when using it to explain the way two 10lb poodles pull on either end of one of my wife’s tiny & decorative socks. Maybe tug of Disagreement
March 23, 2005 at 7:05 pm · Filed under General
I was watching the A-Channel news today only kinda paying attention to a story about insurance. There was a shot of cars passing the camera. I saw a blue Vibe and thought, “hey, that’s like my car”. Then I saw the guy driving it, and I was like “hey, that’s me!” I’m pretty sure that they were filming there all day, just waiting for someone handsome enough to drive by so that they could show him on the 6 o’clock news.
This isn’t the first time that A-Channel has done this to me either. One time I was in bed sleeping and my buddy Sean busted in to my room and was like “hey, were you at West Ed today?” I replied “Yeah, I went to see Star Wars”. Then he asked “were you with an Asian guy?” Thoroughly weirded out I replied “yeah…..” Then Sean said “you were just on A-Channel news walking through West Ed.”
I must really be handsome if they’re that vigilant just to get me on film. They should replace Paul Menier with me, obviously they’re in love with me.
March 23, 2005 at 3:46 pm · Filed under General
Ali and I have a dog named Abby. We got her about a little over a year ago and all was well. She was a really good, smart dog. The only real frustration we had when training her was her odd insistence that she piss on the bed, which didn’t last long believe you me.However, we found that Abby was getting really bored and acting odd because we were spending so much time away from the house. The decision was made to purchase Gunner. Gunner is a boy, which we thought would be good because Abby would be less likely to have a personality conflict with a fella. It worked, and now they’re both quite happy to be fighting with one another.
Training Gunner hasn’t been easy because he doesn’t seem to give a rats ass where he’s pissing, and if you get him in trouble for going where he shouldn’t he doesn’t really care. He’s also not overly smart. Don’t get me wrong, he’s both cute and hilarious, but it’s been real annoying like trying to train the little bugger. At least we’re renting and we should have him trained by the time we move into our house. Eh! Take that Baywood!
Anyhow, this all boils down to last night when I was taking a deuce at home. I got out and smelled something. It wasn’t my brand so I knew this meant Gunner had crapped. I looked around and saw a little coiler just outside the bathroom door. I was a little peeved because he had just been out for a walk, but he’s not that smart and I didn’t catch him in the act so yelling wouldn’t do any good. He’d probably already forgotten that he had crapped anyways.
Then I saw it.
A 2 foot long, one inch wide streak of shit running down the hallway. It would seem that Gunner found a creative new solution for willnots. I am furious. I go to find Gunner so that I can ream him out for doing that. When I find him I pick him up to carry him over to the crap so I can point at it while I yell at him. Then I notice he has crap smeared all over his ass. Frick.
So I have to bath him. I especially enjoyed the part where I got to pour some shampoo in my hand then scrub his crappy ass. Mmmmm. Fun. Possibly the most gross thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. That finished, I have to work feverishly to remove not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE freaking crap smears from about the house. I am unhappy.
My uber creep downstairs neighbor has a black female poodle name Misha. One Cap’n creepy actually asked my wife if she had ‘mounted’ Abby yet, going on to explain that it was a great way to establish dominance. Anyhow, last night he comes a knocking at my door. He says “I have a job for you”. I immediately begin to think of excuses as to why I can’t help him. “How would you like to stud him out.” (referring to Gunner).
First off, I wouldn’t. Irresponsible breeding is a problem and I don’t want to contribute to it. Second, even if I was interested it wouldn’t be with that creepy dude. He probably just wants to watch dogs hump. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point he tried to mount Gunner in order to establish how creepy he is. I can just picture him starring unblinkingly at Gunner and Misha, a cigarette dangling lazily from the corner of his mouth, a look on his face that is both vacant and absorbed. Shudder.
Rest assured I’m going to get Gunner fixed stat. I’ll be nipping that problem in the bud sooner rather than later.
March 23, 2005 at 10:23 am · Filed under Work
So at work we’re moving into territory where I have absolutely no idea how to do what needs to be done. No big deal right? I mean, that’s what coworkers are for, they can handle the stuff that I don’t know how to do. Therein lies the value of a diversified organization. Sadly, I don’t work for a diversified organization. I am one of three employees, and while this does offer certain benefits (I can listen to whatever music I want to), there are also many pitfalls. My boss is the owner, and our sales and marketing employee is his wife. That leaves me for pretty much everything else. In the past I’ve been asked to do things where I didn’t have a clue as to how to do it, and things have turned out okay. I build a large scale content management system and it worked. That was a bonus and I didn’t have a friggin’ clue what I was doing when I got into it.
Today though I have to set up and administrate our companies new server. Luckily, I know about as much about server administration as I know about car repair and brain surgery. I feel that this might end badly for the Keith. When told “we need you to do this” did I say no? Alas, I replied “I don’t have a clue how, but I can try”. Dammit. I’m currently trying. It goes…. not well. I’ll just assume that I can figure it out, and if somehow this works I’ll declare myself to be invincible and declair war on all nations. Take that Tajikistan!
Also of note is that I now own a hole and some cement forms! Alright! If they keep this up I’ll be owning some concete any day now. Then it’s only a matter of time until I own walls, floors, and several of the other luxuries included with most homes. Then I can get out of Bayhood and not have to worry about my car getting broke into every night. Also, I’ll have a garage so I won’t have to scrape my windows every morning. I hate scraping my windows when I’m already cold and grumpy. I also hate having to walk outside in the cold to get to my car. I want to walk into my insulated (but not heated) garage, get into my frost free car, and drive to work. That reminds me of the Simpsons “Garage? Well lah dee dah”. “Why, what do you call it?”. “A car hole”.
Brilliant. I’d have to say that Moe and Milhouse are my favorites. “He said radical, but I say radical. It’s my thing that I say. I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO EXPLODE”.
I’ve had pizza every day since my wife left. I checked this morning and there are definate signs of man titty. I must hit the gym tonight, but I won’t. I have to work. Also, I just proofread this blog for any obvious stupidity and realized that it makes absolutely no sense. I blame communism.
EH!
March 21, 2005 at 9:19 pm · Filed under General
Okay now, bear with me. The United States Congress just acted with shocking speed to enact a one time bill to keep that lady in Florida alive. They claim she has the right to live, blah blah blah.Now, this ladies parents want to keep her alive because they feel that the future is now and someday soon some secret medicine will arise that can restore her health. Supposedly stem cell research is KEY to unlocking medical magic. Without stem cell research there isn’t much hope for a cure.
Republicans and W. are vehemenently opposed to stem cell research, and are trying to pass legislature to stop it.
Does this mean that Republicans are strongly in favor of a nation full of ‘veggietards’?
The news doesn’t really seem to be talking about this much, but I’m pretty sure that I’m right here. It’s an odd situation
March 21, 2005 at 1:35 pm · Filed under General
Uh oh, I’m not feeling overly funny or creative today. This could spell trouble for those of you taking time from you life to read my blog. My wife has once again deserted me, this time to visit her family in Cold Lake. It would seem that my getting to stay home and work while she has fun is becoming far too commonplace. At least I have 3 tones of work to do while she’s gone so the time should pass quickly.I’ve already fallen off of my gym routine as a result of her leaving me. I more of less refuse to do anything at all on my own. She was my sole ‘gym buddy’ thus when she is gone I’m left in the lurch. I’m beginning to think that man boobies are just inevitable and that I should accept it as the price I pay for working on a computer 10 hours a day on not getting any exercise.
I went to my home lot on Saturday and I am now the proud owner of a 2 foot deep hole. I’m not sure why it’s only 2 feet deep, although it may have something to do with the foot of snow that happened the day there were digging it. I’ll go back later on this week and see if they were able to stretch it to the full 5 or not. It occurs to me that I have absolutely no idea of how deep a basement hole should be… 5 feet just feels like a good number. For a quarter of a million dollars it sure a hell better be 5 feet deep, I want my money’s worth out of this sucker.
It’s actually getting pretty exciting, especially because I have absolutely no recollection of how the house is going to look because I can’t remember what all of the stuff we picked looks like. I’m sure that it will be nice, but I can’t seem to picture it in my mind. I was there while it was all picked and I kinda remember what each individual selection was, but I lack the capability to tell what the outcome will be. I’ll just assume that means I’m not gay and move on.
Jeez, this is boring… I’d best end it….. now.
March 18, 2005 at 7:58 am · Filed under General
I’m pretty slow today, so you might have to stick with me here. Grammatical errors and nonlinear thought patterns will more likely than not rule the day. I don’t know what my problem is, as last night I got 8 hours of sleep. I think when the alarm went off at 5:30 my body just said “nope, tough shyte buddy, I ain’t getting up until the sun does”. Alas, the sun is still not up.Being tired is a lot of what I complain about. Luckily, I complain most of the time so that still leaves all sorts of room for more complaining. I complain so much that my buddy Sean used to tell me that I should write for See Magazine. If there’s one place that winy bitchy youth’s belong, it’s writing for See. Unfortunately I can’t read See without winy that all the people who write there are too winy. Just the other day I read a letter from a guy who was complaining that cars don’t stop for him when he’s trying to cross the road. Welcome to Edmonton moron. Like a million people get run over every year here, if you’re not wearing reflective clothing in a marked crosswalk with flashing lights, I’d recommend not crossing the road at all. I try to avoid even looking at the road while walking for fear that it might somehow be seen as me trying to cross and some guy in a Ford F150 will be forced to mow me down.
On a hilarious note, last night I saw a commercial for the next bachelor show. I don’t watch that show because I think that it’s about the most stupid thing ever. This time though, the bachelor is a total loser. Usually it’s some rich handsome dude who is divorced and “unlucky in love”, or one of the chicks the last dude rejected. This time it’s the brother of the dude who was on ‘My Secret Identity’. That is one obscure dude. I mean really, I can’t even remember his ‘famous’ brothers name, let alone tell you what makes this dude so special. I feel sorry for the girls who will have to pretend to fall in love with him so that they can ‘win’.
I just had a funny thought. It would be really funny if someone on that show were to play it like a game. Then at the end when the other persons all “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you” they say “really? Because I think you’re a disgusting whore.” Then they could go on a list off all of the whore like things the other person did over the last few weeks. Now there’s an episode I’d want to watch. Until that happens, I refuse.
I would also like to take this opportunity to state that it is only a matter of time until reality TV kills someone. I’m going on record and stating that someone is going to die, and hopefully that will bring about the end of reality TV. I don’t even really watch TV anymore, I just turn it on while I do other things. It’s on more out of habit than any real urge to see anything that TV has to offer. There aren’t any good sitcoms anymore. The Simpsons is out on DVD. I don’t know if I suddenly got like 600 times smarter or if TV suddenly got 600 times dumber, but I can’t stand to watch it anymore. It’s just so vapid and completely uninteresting. Remember back in the day when there was Seinfeld and The Simpsons and even Friends before they made everyone stupid? Those were some good TV days. I would actually NOT do other stuff with real people in order to watch those shows. They were every bit as good as having a real life with real people. What happened? There isn’t a show on TV anymore that I wouldn’t walk out on half way through without caring. Except maybe CSI. That’s the original, not Miami or New York. I do like CSI, but it’s on kinda late, and I’m too old to stay up.
I don’t even have cable anymore, nor do I want it. The only channels I miss are muchmusic, TLC and Discovery. Then I could watch loud, show about having babies/getting married/building homes, and shows where dudes build motorcycles. That’s not really worth my $30 a month though.
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