Archive for April, 2005
April 28, 2005 at 1:19 pm · Filed under General
Am I gonna party? Why not it’s my birthday. Sip Baccardi? Feels unlikely, but it is my birthday. Do I give a F#$%? Damn right! It’s my birthday.Of all of the many holidays that are celebrated throughout the year, I would have to call my birthday my favorite. I don’t have to buy other people stuff. I don’t have to congratulate other people. I don’t have to care about other people. It’s my day dammit! Everyone is always nice to me on my birthday. I get a cake on my birthday. I eat like a king on my birthday. I get presents on my birthday. People call me just to congratulate me on being born when in fact my Mom did a majority of the work… kind of anyways, I was born C-Section. She did carry me for the full nine months and I believe she was in labor for quite a while before they cut her up. That counts in my books.
On a funny note, the first time my Mom saw me after I was born she was right wacked out on pain killers and she said to my Dad “he’s got such beautiful curly hair”. I was completely bald. Heh. My Dad still laughs when he tells that story. I suppose you would really have to know my Mom to understand why her being stoned would be so hilarious.
Five reasons that this birthday is forcing me to believe that I’m growing up despite my best interests:
- I’m at work.
- I didn’t even consider calling in ’sick’.
- Hair in new places…. the first time I experienced new hair growth it was cool. Now it’s on my shoulders. This is decidedly uncool.
- I’m married and about to buy my first house.
- This is the last year that one pack of candles will suffice. There are only 24 to a pack, which means (gasp) next year I will require two packs.
This year for our birthdays, my wife and I agreed to buy each other stuff we need for the new house. This way, we both can get presents. I’ve asked for a BBQ. I have a really crappy one now, and frankly, I wouldn’t dare to disgrace my new patio with it. I told my parents I want a washing machine. They agreed. I asked my brother if he would detail and undercoat my car. He agreed.
While extremely generous, this marks the first birthday, in my entire history of birthdays, where all of my big presents are completely practical. I believe this counts as #6.
I honestly can not complain. Grown up birthdays are far better than their alternative. Besides, I really want a new BBQ, one of the most exciting features of our new home is that I won’t have to pay for laundry, and my brother does an amazing job detailing cars and come Monday it will look just like it did the day I drove it off the lot (hopefully it won’t snow a foot this time).
At least I’m still really really good looking. Only when that is gone will I begin to complain about my birthday. (luckily as an early birthday present to myself I started hitting the gym again. Hooray for no man boobies!)
April 25, 2005 at 2:09 pm · Filed under General
Now, this isn’t just because I’m a guy, and it’s not just because I feel the need to establish how manly I am. Oprah Winfrey is the devil, or at least the anti-christ. Does it count as liable if no one ever reads this thing?Most men aren’t big Oprah fans, there’s no questioning that. Sure, she’s a big ball of pro-estrogen, Mia Angelou loving, beef hating, woman, so naturally most men will be deterred. Yet why have I declared her to be the Anti-Christ? Read on.
1) Oprah doesn’t care about you.
Oprah makes over a billion dollars a year. If she really cared she could build every poor black person in Harlem their own home. If she really cared she could give a job with a salary of $50,000 per year to 19,000 of America’s desperate and still have 50 million dollars to ’scrape by’ on.
2) She thinks she is God.
Seriously. She’s often professed her belief that every person is somehow divine etc. That’s kooky talk Oprah. Let me tell you something, if everyone is divine, then no one is divine. It’s just one of those things. The same would be true if everyone were outrageously good looking. No one would be overly attractive because we’d all just be average. Think about that one.
3) She hates beef.
Beef is the best thing since…. well, beef. Dead cow is yummy and good, and anyone who tells you different is kooky.
4) She has a kept man named Stedman.
First, isn’t that the name of a stationary chain that went out of business? Second, have you even seen that dude? I believe that he’s slightly retarded or something. He rarely talks, and seems to spend most of his time just standing around with a confused look on his face.
5) She is responsible for Dr. Phil.
Dr Phil, while nowhere near as annoying as Oprah, still drives me a little nutty. First, he’s prone to sayings like “you can’t cover a mitten with cat hair, and expect monkeys to fly sideways from tree to tree”. What the hell does that mean? Perhaps it’s because I’m not from the south, but half of what he says is completely lost on me. And am I alone in thinking that he looks like Tweety-bird?
6) She has a secret lair that no one is allowed access to.
If that doesn’t spell Anti-christ I don’t know what does. I can only assume that this is a large open room, which has a giant pentagram on the floor and blood flowing down the walls. From here she is able to channel Satan and sacrifice goats.
7) I once saw her leap 50 feet through the air, and eat a baby.
Okay, I may have made that one up.
I was reading Michael Moore’s “Stupid White Men” and he said that Oprah should run for president. This got me thinking. If Oprah did run, I’m pretty sure she would win. Perhaps she wouldn’t do so well in the deep south, but even redneck women seem to love her. I can only assume that once she gained the presidency that she would conquer Israel, declare Jerusalem to be her home, denounce God, reveal that Stedman is and always was a lady, conquer some other countries, appear to die and be resurrected and lead the nations to ruins. Then reign over the damned for all of eternity in Hell at the right hand of Satan himself.
That or spend an outrageous amount of money on roses. The balls a little murky on this one.
April 20, 2005 at 11:10 am · Filed under Internet
Admittedly I am the last person to try this out, but I highly recommend trying Google Maps if you have a few minutes to kill. It is time well spent.I typed ‘Edmonton to Calgary’ just to see. It said it was 297km and 2hours 45mins. This leads me to believe that Google endorses speeding, as it would require going 108km/h to make it in that timeframe. Of course it’s highway 2, so the actual travel time is something more along the lines of 2hours 15min, but I digress.
Also, the satellite feature is downright eerie. I was able to find the lot that we’re building our house on as viewed from space. You can’t zoom in all that far on the edmonton map yet, so as a test I tried a toronto address. You can get real close like. I’m talking scary close. Like almost ’see people’ close.
This has led me to one final conclusion. I’m going to sell the advertising space on the roof of my house. If you want it, it’s yours. Just send me a cheque and a banner. Once they get all zoomed in it will be clearly legible to anyone looking at my address.
I wonder if this will become commonplace? It feels like a good idea, but I don’t think it’s one that I could easily patent. I should contact Pepsi. They pay out the arse for advertising, and have been known to take on guerilla style marketing in the past.
I would like it if rooftop advertising became incredibly popular, just so that I could refer people to this post and say “I told you so”.
April 19, 2005 at 7:01 am · Filed under General
You know what I friggin’ hate? When people decide that it’s okay to park anywhere in the damn world because they have their hazard lights on. Newsflash morons, that’s not what hazard lights are for! Bah!Today on my way to work driving down 109st in the early stages of rush hour some lady stops in the right hand lane, throws on the hazards and honks for her friend to come out of the apartment building. Meanwhile, the five cars behind her all have to make there way into the next lane over, fighting the oncoming traffic all the way. Why do people think that this is acceptable behavior?
“hey man, you can’t just park in the middle of a busy street”
“don’t worry about it buddy, I’ve got my hazards on”
“oh sorry, my mistake. Hey, while you’ve got those hazard lights on why don’t you rob a bank, toe punt a baby, beat an old man with his cane, and burn down some churches. With the freedom to act outside the law afforded to you with those flashing lights you could rule the world!”
That’s how OJ got off you know. During that high speed chase with the white Bronco I clearly remember seeing the hazard lights flashing. It’s not wonder the couldn’t convict him, “if the lights were a flashin’, he’s blameless for slashin’”.
So who cares about the rest of the world, you fat friend can’t be bothered to walk to the corner! Who am I to suggest that you exit traffic before stopping, that would be inconvenient to you. Slam those brakes and snap on those flashers, while you’re at it, beat a sack full of kittens with a bat. This is Alberta dammit, it’s your right, NAY, your responsibility to drive like a complete moron.
Hazaa!
April 18, 2005 at 6:51 am · Filed under General
Hooah! It is early, and I am both awake and at work. I still have 15mins before my workday begins, and seeing as how I don’t have a couch to nap on, I figured ye olde blog might be a healthy distraction.I had a busy weekend full of sleeping, sleeping and some visiting. Allow me to recap:
Friday - Worked. Came home and walked the dogs. Went to my Poppa’s house for dinner. Came home and went to bed. Asleep by 10pm.
Saturday - Woke up at 9am. Got out of bed at 10am. Visited my house, went to Walmart came home and had a 2 hour nap. Went to church, went out for dinner, came home, went to bed 11pm.
Sunday - Woke up at 10am. Did some work, finished up some stuff. Went to the Laundromat and did some laundry. Came home, showered and went to friends house for dinner. Came home and went to bed.
Now, anyone else would probably think, what a boring weekend. I loved it. This realization has led me to believe that I am an old man before my time. Or maybe it’s not before my time, I do turn 24 in about 10 days. I am married, and I soon will own a house. I’m slippers and a housecoat away from being middle aged at the 1/3 aged marker.
For my birthday I asked for a washer for the new house. Not video games, or a guitar, or drums. A washer. You wanna know what’s really sad? I think it’s a good idea. From the outside looking in, I can see that I’m crazy, but frankly, I don’t care.
I read my buddy Brad’s blog all the time. He’s the same age as me, grew up in the same home town, had the same friends. He leads a far more rock & roll lifestyle than mine. However, often as I’m reading it, I think to myself that I could not do it. If I stayed up and played poker all night and went to work the next day on three hours sleep I would die. Literally. I would drop dead on my desk without missing a beat. I got seven hours of sleep last night and I can barely keep my eyes open.
What’s more, Brad always seems to be ‘doing stuff’. I like to ‘do stuff’ from time to time. I can’t fault him for it. More often than not though, I’m not it the mood to ‘do stuff’. If I have to leave my house I get grumpy. I say things like “I don’t want to do this stuff. Can’t we just stay at home?” or “do we really have to do this?”
Perhaps this all has a lot to do with being married. Ali has been whispering in my ear while I sleep and subtly shaped my subconscious into suppressing any rock & roll tendencies. That must be the case. And or, as I get older I get lamer. I could really go either way. I don’t care though, bring old age on. If I act 50 when I’m 24, damned if I won’t be acting 70 by the time I’m 30.
Here comes the new (old), improved (incontinent), Keith. Live it. Love Eet.
April 15, 2005 at 6:54 am · Filed under General
Yesterday I had no plans for the weekend. I was thinking about sleeping, sleeping and possibly sleeping. Then, in the course of an hour, I have plans for every night. That doesn’t sounds like sleeping. Ali has decided that we’re overly negligent of our family and friends (we are) and that we should do something about it. Thus it’s off to my Poppa’s tonight, dinner with my Uncle tomorrow and off to see some friends of the family Sunday. I think that’s more family in one weekend than I’ve seen since Christmas all combined.Where do muscle guys buy their clothes? I’ve noticed that the bigger you are, the more retarded the outfit you wear to the gym has to be. I don’t think they still even sell shirts like those anymore. You know, the tank tops with the long shoulder straps and low armpits? It’s basically not even a shirt, but rather suspenders and a waistband. Now call me crazy, but I wear a t-shirt. Perhaps this is somehow preventing me from being gigantic, but I can’t see how. And where do they find their pants? Yesterday there was a muscle dude with his stupid looking tank top and purple hammer pants. No, not pants that can store a hammer, but rather pants that were once worn by MC Hammer. The worst part is that you can’t really make fun of them because they’re all gigantic and wacked out on anabolic steroids.
Actually, worse than muscle guys and their stupid shirt/pant combo’s are the guys I see running in the river valley everyday on my way to work. I played basketball for years and ran countless miles wearing shorts that were just above my knees. Not once in 4 years did I ever think to myself “I could probably run faster and farther if these shorts only went halfway down my ass.” First of all, nobody wants to see some dudes ass, especially while he’s running. Second, I refuse to believe that it makes any difference whatsoever. I went to school for a looong time, thus I know that the energy required to overcome the force of friction between your body and normal shorts amounts to about one calorie per 100 miles spent running. I can maybe understand dudes in the Olympics who are running 24km trying to save some energy by wearing short shorts. But a memo to the old man running at lunch time: You aren’t fooling anybody but yourself. I think the worst thing about those shorts is that they have to have ‘built-ins’ because even the conventional tighty whitey would be too long to be adequately concealed. That ain’t right.
April 14, 2005 at 7:00 am · Filed under General
Ouch. At least when I was fat and lazy I wasn’t so sore. Has this ever happened to you, Monday you work out, Tuesday you’re fine, then Wednesday is almost the worst day of you life? I’m living it right now I’ll tell you what. Except today is Thursday…. but it’s early and I’m not fully functioning for at least 3 more hours.I think it’s because we did a new ‘get rid of your fat belly’ exercise which consisted of situps, situps, and then some situps holding a 10lb weight. I went to get out of bed this morning and was forced to roll out. That ain’t right.
I suppose it will all be worth while this summer, when I’m not that chubby kid on the beach with a sweater on, but still I wonder whether anything that feels like this can be good for you. Besides, I like sweaters.
My buddy Mr Humbleguy recently did a blog about how much he hates radio. He focused particularly on Edmonton’s rock radio (or lack thereof). You can read all about it here. Anyhow, it was a good post, and I had a good laugh, but then I realized that he missed the worst radio of all. I mean the Bear is crappy and annoying, and juvenile to a point of embarrassment, but it can’t hold a candle to college radio.
Seriously, does anyone actually like CKUA? A radio station so terrible they couldn’t think of a name beyond their call letters. There’s no way anyone can enjoy the music, I’ve actually made an honest effort to listen to that station to see why people enjoy it, but whatever the reason, it’s lost on me. And do they let just anybody in there to host a show? Are there no prerequisites? Like charisma? Or decent musical taste? Where do people find bands that obscure and terrible, bands with names like “Mystery Tuna” or “Harkin’ for Some Shnoodle”?
I can only assume that the only reason people listen to that station is so that they can tell people they listen to that station. Seriously. Then when people like me go to see what all the Hot Fuss is about we think to ourselves “this makes no sense to me, I must be stupid, retarded or both”. I would go so far as to say that people who listen to that radio station don’t like music, they just like being different. They’re the same people who read ‘Red Meat’ cartoons in See Magazine and laugh. They ain’t funny, and it ain’t good music.
Finally, I’ve noticed one more thing about college radio. With the exception of the occasional Police, or Clash tune, they will not play any cd that has sold more than 20 copies worldwide. I knew a kid who loved System of a Down. Thought they were the bee’s knees. Bought all of their records and listened to them religiously. Then their album went platinum and he stopped listening to them, get this, because they sold out. That guy is part of the problem, and I guarantee his radio dial never strays far from CKUA.
There’s nothing wrong with liking popular music. I really liked the first two Limp Bizkit albums. They weren’t genius, and they aren’t my favorite albums of all time, but they’re cool. If you forget that the band members are retarded and just listen to a couple of tunes you’d realize they aren’t near as bad as they’ve been made out to be. Plus, when they first came out, way back when, all of you CKUA kids thought they were cool. Don’t say you didn’t, because I remember. You know what else is really good? Stupid Justin Timberlake’s album. I hated that dude, then he put out this album with all of these super catchy tunes that were all good and stuff.
I suppose music is a personal choice, and who am I to judge. I did once play in a hair metal band, tights and all. My right to judge went out the door the first time I played “Talk Dirty to Me” live.
April 13, 2005 at 1:49 pm · Filed under General
Upon closer inspection, I care not at all for politics. For some reason the keep trying to edge their way into my life, largely in the early morning when I’m grumpy and looking for stuff to complain about. Thus, my last two posts. I say “Enough with politics” and as such return to my bread and butter…. complaining about stuff that happens to me on a day to day basis. Hazaa!First off, I would like to take this opportunity to declare to the world that I would give all that I have for the opportunity to beat Ben Mulroney senseless. Is it just me, or is he, without question, the most ridiculously annoying person on the face of the earth. And why is he so damned tanned? Hey Ben… you live in Canada, you shouldn’t be tanned year round. And your coiffure of hair is ridiculous. Stop wearing makeup! Yaaarrrgh!
Seriously, I’m fairly sure that everyone in Canada would be happier if they didn’t know he existed. I can only assume that he’s famous as a result of his Dad pimping some cash to the CBC or something. There is no other plausible explanation as to why someone that annoying, that stupid looking and that cheesy should be on TV. I actually get angry whenever I see his damn smug face. Yaaaarrrgh!
I should start a Ben Mulroney Fan (ofpunchinghiminthebelly) Club. Who’s decision was it to hire that goon? I can imagine the meeting went something like this:
exec1: Hey, do you know what I hate?
exec2: No, what’s that?
exec1: Canadians. Now what’s something we can do to really show them how much we hate them and how little we care whether or not they watch our channel, what with all of our government subsidies?
exec3: We could show full frontal male nudity every hour on the hour. Nobody wants to see that.
exec1: No, there’s laws against that, and there’s a slight change that homosexuals and women won’t hate it. I really want to repulse the whole of Canada here, give them a really vigorous FU.
exec2; Well, we could always hire this goon Ben Mulroney. I mean, people kinda hated his Dad….
exec1: I don’t know…
exec3: we have his promo shot here if you’d like to see it.
exec1 (after seeing Ben Mulroney for the first time) : God, I would give my kidneys to be able to punch that man in the face. He’s PERFECT. Quickly, make him the host of every show we have, I want CTV to be the Ben Mulroney channel.
I someday hope to tell Ben Mulroney what a preppy, makeup wearing, fake tanning, effeminate, manicured, metrosexual, Hugo Boss lovin’, assless chapin’, cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
April 12, 2005 at 7:50 am · Filed under General
What’s with Canadians and thinking that they’re better than Americans? I don’t really understand that at all. It doesn’t even make sense. I’m willing to bet though, if you ran a Canada wide poll of Canadians at least 65% would say Canadians are better than Americans. Newsflash! Canadians suck too, we’re just more polite about it.The proof? Why, it’s in the pudding. There are several things that make Canadians feel like they’re cooler than Americans, allow me to dispute them:
1) Americans know nothing about Canada.
True. But why would they? Are they taught it in school? Not really. Is Canada a world super power? Not so much. If someone ever says this to you come back at them with “What’s the capital of Delaware? Where on the map is Maryland? List 30 of the 50 American states? ” I guarantee not many Canadians can answer any of those, let alone all three. But wait! Are we taught that in school? Yes. Is the USA a world super power? The superest. So couldn’t you draw the conclusion that perhaps Canadians are the ignorant ones when it comes to geography every bit as much as Americans, if not more?
2) Americans are rude.
True. So are Canadians. I know lot’s of dickheads right here in Canada. As a whole I doubt there’s really all that much difference, Canada just has less bad blood with other countries so we’re seen as being nicer. I’ve talked (read: played Halo 2) with a lot of southerners and they’re like the more polite people ever, and that’s while playing a game where the goal is to kill and humiliate.
3) The American president stole the election!
The Canadian Prime Minister stole a whack load of cash, his excuse was “hey, I can’t be held accountable for the programs that I approve and control” and we re-elected them. At least W. had to steal the election, we just gave it to the Liberals because we’re afraid of change.
4) America is crime ridden.
I have to give you that one. There is inexplicably more crime in the US than Canada. Detroit and Toronto are just across the pond from one another, but for some reason Canadians don’t commit as much crime. Possibly it’s because our beer has too much alcohol and when we drink we’re generally too drunk to commit a violent crime.
There are lot’s of other reasons why Canadian feel cooler than Americans, please feel free to post in my comments section a reason you feel being Canadian makes you cool, or vice versa, and I’ll be more than happy to debuke your claim.
April 11, 2005 at 9:52 am · Filed under General
Not much to report from the weekend. Canada won the Worlds in Curling, and Tiger won the masters. I now own a 50% framed house, with super special 2″ foam insulation on the main floor. Take that winter cold! Gunner wiped his ass with our white couch. Mrs Iron and myself made our inaugural trip to the Marble Slab Creamery for some rad ice cream. I ran another 3.5km. I think the Pope had his funeral, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Mrs Iron and myself picked out a sectional couch and a dining room table we like. My brother may soon be on the path to becoming a mechanic, which means free car repairs for me.I think that’s about it.
Also, I have a movie from Blockbuster that is now about 3 weeks overdue. My fine for this infraction is about $1.50. I’m totally making amends for the hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on late charges over the years. Equally funny is that if they dare to try and charge my credit card for a movie that I’ve kept for over a month they’ll discover I don’t have a credit card, nor have I had one for the last 4 years. Bwahahaha. I’ll see you burn Blockbuster! $5 for a new release my arse, I’ll loan that movie out to every friend I have, just so that they don’t have to pay to rent it. Why not, there are no late charges. Hazaa!
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