Now, this isn’t just because I’m a guy, and it’s not just because I feel the need to establish how manly I am. Oprah Winfrey is the devil, or at least the anti-christ. Does it count as liable if no one ever reads this thing?Most men aren’t big Oprah fans, there’s no questioning that. Sure, she’s a big ball of pro-estrogen, Mia Angelou loving, beef hating, woman, so naturally most men will be deterred. Yet why have I declared her to be the Anti-Christ? Read on.

1) Oprah doesn’t care about you.

Oprah makes over a billion dollars a year. If she really cared she could build every poor black person in Harlem their own home. If she really cared she could give a job with a salary of $50,000 per year to 19,000 of America’s desperate and still have 50 million dollars to ’scrape by’ on.

2) She thinks she is God.

Seriously. She’s often professed her belief that every person is somehow divine etc. That’s kooky talk Oprah. Let me tell you something, if everyone is divine, then no one is divine. It’s just one of those things. The same would be true if everyone were outrageously good looking. No one would be overly attractive because we’d all just be average. Think about that one.

3) She hates beef.

Beef is the best thing since…. well, beef. Dead cow is yummy and good, and anyone who tells you different is kooky.

4) She has a kept man named Stedman.

First, isn’t that the name of a stationary chain that went out of business? Second, have you even seen that dude? I believe that he’s slightly retarded or something. He rarely talks, and seems to spend most of his time just standing around with a confused look on his face.

5) She is responsible for Dr. Phil.

Dr Phil, while nowhere near as annoying as Oprah, still drives me a little nutty. First, he’s prone to sayings like “you can’t cover a mitten with cat hair, and expect monkeys to fly sideways from tree to tree”. What the hell does that mean? Perhaps it’s because I’m not from the south, but half of what he says is completely lost on me. And am I alone in thinking that he looks like Tweety-bird?

6) She has a secret lair that no one is allowed access to.

If that doesn’t spell Anti-christ I don’t know what does. I can only assume that this is a large open room, which has a giant pentagram on the floor and blood flowing down the walls. From here she is able to channel Satan and sacrifice goats.

7) I once saw her leap 50 feet through the air, and eat a baby.

Okay, I may have made that one up.

I was reading Michael Moore’s “Stupid White Men” and he said that Oprah should run for president. This got me thinking. If Oprah did run, I’m pretty sure she would win. Perhaps she wouldn’t do so well in the deep south, but even redneck women seem to love her. I can only assume that once she gained the presidency that she would conquer Israel, declare Jerusalem to be her home, denounce God, reveal that Stedman is and always was a lady, conquer some other countries, appear to die and be resurrected and lead the nations to ruins. Then reign over the damned for all of eternity in Hell at the right hand of Satan himself.

That or spend an outrageous amount of money on roses. The balls a little murky on this one.