Archive for May, 2005
May 31, 2005 at 1:07 pm · Filed under Work
I would give my left arm to be golfing today. Well, maybe that would be a poor choice of appendages, I would definitely give a toe. Probably one of the middle ones that don’t really serve any real purpose as near as I can tell.I really like my job. My bosses trust me to figure out what needs to be done. I get to work when it’s most convenient for me. The work I do is generally well received and I feel respected. That makes me feel guilty for spending today looking outside and wishing that I was anywhere but here. I think the real root of the problem is that I’m finally realizing that I’ve entered into ‘real life’.
In years past, I’ve always happily resided in the wonderful world of ‘full time student’. I went to school 4-6 hours a day, and didn’t really ever do any home work. If I didn’t want to go to school one day, I didn’t. If it was sunny and I wanted to go golfing, I went. Also, and this is a big one, I had four months off every summer to do whatever I damn well pleased. Sure I had a job, but I didn’t take it seriously or work full time. That was sweet.
This summer I don’t get any time off. None. I’m too busy, and what’s more, I don’t get paid vacation until the end of August. So it’s beautiful and sunny outside, and I’m inside on the old computer, writing code and thinking golf. Sure I like my job, but it’s really tempting to just make a break for it. This whole ‘being a grown up’ deal isn’t what I signed up for. There was a time where if I wanted to quit my job I could just take off my smock and walk out. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. That’s actually how I quit. I was at the grocery store, working with my buddy Rascal, and someone asked me “what’s the difference between a Gala and a Royal Gala apple?” Not only did I not care, but it was the final straw after almost two years of equally stupid questions for little pay. I went over to Rascal and said “I’m quitting, I’ve had enough of this” and that was that.
Now I have a wife. And a mortgage. And bills. And student loans. And car payments. I also like my job, and would hate to be forced to go try and find another one. So here I am. Working. I’ve finished two sites today, both will be online tomorrow after they receive client approval. It would be a great day, if I didn’t wish I was elsewhere.
Don’t cry for me, I’m all growed up.
May 30, 2005 at 9:33 am · Filed under General
This weekend it was Ali’s turn at a birthday, and naturally it fell upon me to plan it all out. I usually do quite well with the whole party planning business, the only real downside is that each year I tend to raise the bar. This has led to an unfortunate cycle whereby I am compete against myself year after year in a bid to ensure my wife’s birthday happiness. It pretty much boils down to being a lot of work, but she enjoys it all so genuinely that it would be impossible to stop.This year I baked a black forest cake from scratch (one of my first ever forays into baking), as well as doing a slow cooked BBQ roast on my new grill. This was also my first time with the new BBQ.
I’ll tell you what, it’s not just a clever saying, cakes are easy. Wait, pies are easy. You can’t have cakes and eat them too. But pies are difficult to make. From now on, you can’t have your pie and eat it too, and it’s as easy as cake. Measure, mix, bake, done. The hardest part was spreading the whipped cream on the cake, which I managed a so-so job of. My spreading skills did cause my buddy Julian to quip “you’re getting more whipped cream on the floor than on the cake”, but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Plus, the floor was decidedly too clean before I began and I’m an excellent multi-tasker. I’d rate my cake at a 6/10 when compared to professional cakes. Though mine tasted better than those would have, because the secret ingredient was love. And sugar. And cocoa. As an aside, leave it to me to make my first ever cake from scratch and choose a flavour I don’t like. Bah!
The roast was awesome, but a bit of a fiasco. Ali’s parents were driving up from Cold Lake just for dinner, then returning home. This equates to six hours of driving for two hours of visiting. Sadly, it took me about an hour and a half to get the BBQ lit, so they had to leave before I was ready to serve dinner. It wasn’t my fault though, I didn’t know what I was doing so I called my Dad. He’s an old schooler when it comes to BBQing, so his advice would prove invaluable. I took notes on what to do, then I got to work. First I pulled a Homer and completely doused the coals with lighter fluid. I carefully reached in and lit the blaze. Then the wind blew it out. So I added more lighter fluid, and carefully leaned in and lit the blaze. Then the wind blew it out. Then I stepped in a secret dog poop my puppy had left for me to find. Then I swore. As I’m cleaning the dog poo out of my sandals my brother calls to wish my wife a happy birthday and tells me that I need some solid fuel if it’s windy. I rush off to Canadian Tire and grab the first combustible item I can find and rush back home. When I arrive, my in-laws are already there. Crap. I finally get the BBQ lit and start to visit. When I go to check it the coals are hot enough I notice that half of the coals are hot and ready to cook, while the other half have gone out. Crap. I relight the other half, and add some more coals to the first half so that it won’t burn out before the other half can start up. 40 minutes later both sides are warm and it’s time to put the meat on, but my in-laws have to leave before it will be ready. Crap. To make up for it I served the cake prior to their departure. At least that way they got something for their trouble.
I was preparing dinner for eight, so when three left, there was way too much food. I tried to compensate for this by eating way too much food. While I was unable to make up for the lack of three additional people, I did pretty good, and best of all I didn’t feel sick afterwards. I did however reek of garlic. Mmm. Garlic.
A good time was had by all, and everything turned out well. Despite my lack of BBQ lighting skills. Hazaa! Now to sit back and relax until next year.
May 27, 2005 at 12:46 pm · Filed under General
Driving back to work after lunch traffic was noticeably slower than usual. As I approached an intersection traffic slowed to a near standstill and I could see a car with it’s hood up in the distance. As I drew closer I realized that the car broken down in the middle of the road was a Ferrari, and some yuppy dude was looking under the hood trying to figure out what was wrong with it.This made me laugh. Way to spend $100,000 there buddy. For that kind of money that car should fix itself and make you coffee while it’s at it. I drove by in my little Vibe and felt both smug and intelligent. After all, it’s not everyday I get to blow by a Ferrari off a red light.
May 27, 2005 at 10:00 am · Filed under General
Do you like Pop music? I sure as hell don’t, with the noteworthy exception of Justin Timberlake of course. He’s dreamy. As I think about the nature of music it occurs to me that none of my friends like Pop music either. This has led me to believe that either one of two things must be true.
- All of my friends are anti-social, counter-culture, alternative lifestyle loving hippies, or
- Pop music isn’t overly popular
I can’t really decide which it is. As far as I can tell the only people who are really into Pop music are girls aged 13-21 and guys who want to get with girls aged 13-21. That and stupid people. Stupid people would like anything if you put a beat to it, they’re stupid like that.So now I’m thinking that at least 50% of the population must consist of girls aged 13-21 and guys who want to get with girls aged 13-21. Based on the amount of albums that these so called pop stars are able to sell, that must be the case. Yet according to Stats Canada there are only 2,976,375 females in Canada aged 10 to 24, out of a total of 30,007,090 Canadians (2001). That’s only 9.92%. So say, of that 9.92%, half like the Backstreet Boys (they’re back!) and the other half like R&B or whatever. Then an additional 5% of guys want to sleep with one of those girls, and are willing to listen to Pop music to do so. That’s about 15% of Canadians.
15% is not nearly enough to warrant the attention that the media, radio stations, and television afford to Pop music. That means 85% of Canadians DON’T listen to Pop music, and isn’t ‘Pop’ short for ‘popular’? If 85% of people don’t like something, I wouldn’t take the leap of faith and dare to call it popular. But I’m crazy like that.
The real problem is that girls aged 13-21 have a lot of disposable income. And guys who want to sleep with girls aged 13-21 are willing to dispose of a lot of their income to do so. Oh yeah, and stupid people. They also would like to spend their money on Pop music, but luckily, by and large, stupid people aren’t smart enough to make money. What money they do have is usually spent on shiny things and McDonald’s. So this leaves girls aged 13-21 and their horny counterparts. Damn them. Damn their disposable income. Damn the fact that I know the Backstreet Boys have a new album coming out. Damn the people who buy it. Damn a system runs on marketing target audiences in defiance of talented people. Damn the people willing to sell out just to sell albums. Most of all, damned if that new JT album isn’t the most kickingest album because he is so like totally dreamy and stuff.
May 26, 2005 at 9:26 am · Filed under Work
Seriously, I should have just sat back and enjoyed my time in the sun the other day. My workload was mostly complete, I had no clients knocking at the door. It was a golden time, and I celebrated by complaining. In order to teach me a lesson, God has deemed that my workload shall instantly triple, my clients will all grow opinions, and a plague will be unleashed against all of the first-born in Egypt.Let this be a lesson to the rest of you, leave well enough alone. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you don’t really have anything to do, don’t complain, simply do nothing. I hear that it can be glorious, though now I’ll never know. I hadn’t even finished my blog about being not busy when a client phoned and needed stuff done. Then my boss informed me that I’ll be starting another project. Then I was booked to go do some photography. And my bank called to make an appointment to secure my mortgage. And my wife asked me to get all of the utilities, phone and whatnot set up for the new house. And her birthday is this weekend. And one of my clients, when presented with 7 logos, chose none of them. And my boss told me that prior to the 22nd of June I have to prepare checklists and production manuals for our new employees in order to guarantee they maintain my standards of work. And a client got back to me with content, so I have to build their site. And another client gave the okay to go ahead and start their site.
Oh, well I suppose I should get on some of that. I’m going to stick with my usual “if there’s work, there’s a reason to pay me” mentality and get crackin’. There were about 3 hours there where I really didn’t have much to do. Sometime next year, when I’ve caught up to the work I’m doing now, I’ll look back at those 3 hours fondly and remember a simpler time. Until then, back to work I go…. hi ho, hi ho.
As an aside, has anyone else noticed that Blogger doesn’t recognize the word ‘blog’ in their spell checks? I find that to be decidedly odd.
May 24, 2005 at 10:49 am · Filed under Work
Until June 22nd I am the lone technical employee at my work. I’ve never really complained about this, I’ve just accepted it and done my best to keep up with the onslaught of work that is coming my way. I usually have at least four projects looming over my head at any given time, so it’s always a tad of a rush to get everything done. Today I have nothing to do. Actual nothing. I’ve been keeping busy with mundane tasks like a potential maintenance report, some site updates, and other such trivial tasks. It is decidedly odd.It’s not like I don’t have my usual four sites on the go, I’ve just done all that I can do with them for right now. We’ve reached an impasse on each of my projects where the next step is out of my hands.
UPDATE: While writing this blog, a client phoned to inform me that his site is right screwed up, so now I have to go fix it. Hazaa! This ought to keep my busy, at least until lunch.
May 20, 2005 at 8:47 am · Filed under Internet
Sometimes when I’m confronted with nothing to write about I just pop open the old window and write whatever comes to my mind. I call this Train of Thought blogging. While it is quite possible that this isn’t the best way to write anything, it’s a great way to kill some time and every now and then funny stuff comes to mind while I’m writing.I’ve found that, since I’ve been regularly updating my blog, my writing skills are sharpening. I’m still a crap writer, but at least some basic grammar conventions are coming back to me. My skill with the written language has suffered since I last had to write a school paper. I blame the MSN Instant Messenger. Where else in the world does “ROLF, LMAO. afk brb” make any sense whatsoever. I have a friend who refuses to use punctuation while chatting, so you get messages like “i went over to see mark today and he got this new iron maiden album that was pretty awesome i figured out a couple of songs so now were playing them.” Sadly, he is one of the more coherent people I chat with.
How often have you seen “r u there”. No question mark, no capitals, no words, just a mess that I’m left to decipher. “So were going to there house laterz”. What? No. What? First of all were and we’re are not the same word. They are in fact completely different, for while were is a verb indicating the past tense of are, we’re is a contraction of the words we are. It’s not that hard people. Might I add, there, their, and they’re are called homonyms. They are completely different words that, unfortunately, sound the same. Still, it’s not overly difficult to tell them apart. You’re average third grade student can most likely tell you the difference if you’ve forgotten. There is a magical word that can be used as an adverb, pronoun, adjective, noun, or interjection depending on context. It cannot be used in the place of the popular contraction of they are, they’re. Their is a possessive adjective. They’re all completely different in their many different uses. There, I’m glad we could clear that up. There.
Also ‘z’ and ’s’ are different letters. While they are close to one another on the keyboard, they cannot be swapped at will. ‘Q’ and ‘w’ are also close to one another, but I don’t think qomorroq would get your point across very effectively. And finally, these are numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0. These are letters: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, q, y, z. Words can use any number of different combinations of letters. When you decide to add a number into a word, you no longer have a word, but math. For example l0s3r is the three variables ‘l’, ’s’, and ‘r’ and their respective numerical coefficients. As an aside, for any value of ‘l’, ’s’, or ‘r’ that is an element of the Real number set, l0s3r will equal 0. Neat hey!
Fin.
May 19, 2005 at 12:37 pm · Filed under General
I really hate political correctness. Don’t take this to assume that I’m culturally insensitive, racist or sexist. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do however feel that by enforcing laws about political correctness you are inhibiting the very freedoms you are trying to protect.Case in point, it is insensitive of me to refer to an African American as “black”. This is because the term “black” refers to a physical trait and therefore must be derogatory. Yet, it would be completely natural if someone were to refer to me as being “white”. No eyebrows would raise, there would be no animosity in the room. So by declaring it to be insensitive to say a black person is black you’re really singling out black people. You’re not helping to eliminate racism, but rather, promoting it while hiding behind morals.
In my opinion.
Also, affirmative action sucks. Hard. It really boils down to our saying “sure we don’t like blacks, women, gays, and other visible minorities, but we’ll give them jobs in order to prevent a hefty fine.” Who wants a job where they know that the only reason they qualified is because of something it would be indecent to mention? I don’t really get the mentality there. If it were me I would rather not work than work in a job with an obvious but unmentioned glass ceiling where the only purpose of my employment was to be the token black guy.
The same goes for women in the workplace. I do not think that women should be subject to slack standard based soley on the fact that they are women. “Sure, you’re not as good as a man would be, but we’ll just ignore that and give you a job anyways.” Firemen come to mind here. Women have different requirements for admittance. I hate to break it to you, but if you can’t do as good of a job as the guy next to you I don’t give a rats ass whether you’re a woman or not. I want buddy beside you to be the guy responsible for saving my life. I’m 6′8″ and 250lbs. There aren’t many women who could move me, let alone drag me down three flights of stairs in a burning building. If a woman can meet the same requirements as a man, then she should be a firefighter. Otherwise, drive the truck or something, I don’t care, just don’t leave me in a burning building.
While I do understand the necessity for these laws, the implied stereotypes built right into them drives me insane. It’s a law that states “To prove that you’re no different than anyone else, we’ll afford you special treatment based on your differences.”
Baffling.
May 18, 2005 at 12:38 pm · Filed under General
Admittedly I don’t really watch a lot of television. Often when the TV is on it is providing a distraction while I do something else, like work. Today at lunch, the TV was one and serving as a distraction while I ate my lunch and tried to keep my dogs from eating my tuna sandwich. A commercial for Microsoft came on. It was pretty much just people talking about stuff (I wasn’t really paying attention) while all types of crazy crap floated around them. After a brief description as to what the commercial was selling (I forget what… great ad by the way) it cut to a little oriental girl who appears to fart fish. Seriously, a fan of fish come flying out of her ass.Now am I to believe that no one in the approval process that commercials such as this must surely pass through, noticed this.
“Great ad team, it think it’s a winner” said the ad exec.
“Uh, not to be overly picky, but I think a little Chinese girl crapped a school of fish in there. Could we maybe, I don’t know, re-edit that bit and make it a tad less gross?” said some remotely intelligent peon.
“Editing costs money pervert. You’re fired.”
I suppose that it is too much to ask that people actually think about what they’re doing while they’re doing it.
Change of Topic
Is that Belinda Stronach chick really allowed to just change political affiliations on a whim like that? I mean, in Canada you’re voting for the party more than the person, so if you vote in a Conservative you’re giving the Conservatives your vote. Not some dumb woman. If I was Steven Harper I would bitch slap her and Paul Martin. Mostly because Paul Martin is a dickhead. And a billionaire. Mainly a dickhead though. Some MP from Drayton Valley called her a whore, frankly, that’s what I love about Alberta. Any province that is willing to elect someone whom is that incapable of thinking before speaking is A-OK in my books. I’m thinking of moving to Drayton Valley just so I can vote for that hick.
Also, Belinda was bribed. She was given a cabinet position that pays more cash and offers more prestige. It’s no different than if Stevey Harper went to some Liberal MP and said “dude, I’ll give you $40,000 per year and a cool job title if you cross the floor. ” It’s just dishonest. I would like to say that some politicians are honest (like that dude from Drayton Valley who is clearly not intelligent to weave a cunning web of deception) but who can tell nowadays. I say “bomb them all and let God sort the liars from the cheaters”, but I’m careful never to say it too loudly. You never know when a member of the Canadian Intelligence community might be listening in.
Disclaimer: Please don’t bomb parliament. It was a joke. Not even a good one. Seriously. I would delete it on the grounds of it’s relative lack of hilarity, but I’m too lazy.Change of Topic
Is it just me, or is there some unwritten law that if you’re alone in a room and you fart, someone else will immediately walk in. You can tell as soon as they walk in they know you farted. It’s always like “hey Keith, can you…” nose wrinkles “do… this… thing for me”. Then they give you a look of disapproval. There’s no where to run, nowhere to hide, and more importantly, no one to blame.
That’s why I always wait until I’m in a room with at least three people. That way, once I’ve done the deed, there remains some doubt as to exactly who the perpetrator of said fart was. Unless someone is willing to ask “who crapped themselves”, which they rarely are, you get off scott free. Better still, if someone asks “did you fart?” you can say “no” and still be believed. Plausible deniability, that’s all I ask for.
The absolute best places to fart are:
1) at the mall, and
2) in a club.
I like to fart on escalators, then look back and see the looks on peoples faces as they’re carried through my poopy trail. I also like to fart right before I leave a store. That way people will remember I was there. In a bar farting is cool because the amount of people packed in there make it impossible to pin the fart on me. I don’t even try to squeak them out quietly at the bar. I just cut loose. It’s better that way.
May 16, 2005 at 10:01 am · Filed under General
A weekend in 42 words or less:Woke up. Cleaned up. Drove. Looked at stuff in malls. Drove. Threw a football. Drove. Ate. Watched Hotel Rwanda. Slept. Woke up. Cleaned up. Drove. Looked at my house. Drove. Went to the park. Threw a football. Drove. Played Halo. Ate. Slept.
Strangley it wasn’t as relaxing as it might seem. While I did accomplish my goal of doing almost nothing, rest seemed hard to come by. My mother-in-law, brother-in-law, and friend-of-brother-in-law were up visiting. They didn’t really require all that much work on my behalf though, so they can’t be to blame. I therefore must assume that it is the work of communists. Or evil ninjas. Or evil communist ninjas. Trust me, don’t even try to mess with evil communist ninjas, because they will lay the smack down on you for the greater good. Believe me.
It also may have been the fact that it was wicked hot out. I love wicked hot, but for some odd reason when it’s hot out I do not get hungry. Seeing as how I’m not overly intelligent, if I am not driven to eat (by hunger or boredom) I do not eat. My in-laws where visiting and being generally entertaining, and it was hot. As such, I didn’t really eat all weekend. I had the odd meal here and there, but I think I ate about half as much as I normally would. This has left me weak and tired. Sadly, it is still hot out and I have a bunch of stuff to do tonight.
One of my bosses was born in communist Poland. I don’t think she’s a ninja, though I did once see her leap off of a tree top, skip across a pond and engage in sword based combat with an arch rival. I suppose that may seem odd to some, but in my line of work it’s pretty ordinary occurrence.
Next entries »
