Archive for June, 2005
June 30, 2005 at 3:44 pm · Filed under General
I may have made a slight miscalculation at work today and spent $314 on the wrong thing. Luckily I was able to clear it up, and return said item. Sadly, what I was supposed to do at work today required that piece of software. I’ve tried to do other stuff, but my stupidity has put the project, more or less, a day behind. I don’t like that one little bit.Here’s the deal. I generally see myself as being quite competent, and I always do things well. That’s why when I screw up, it really sucks. It totally shatters my massively inflated ego. Now it will take weeks and weeks of clever memory manipulation in order to reverse the potential psychological damage, and convince myself that this must be somebody else’s fault. Possibly the communists. I hate communists, and don’t you for one minute think that they’re gone! They’re just hiding, for all I know, I could be a communist, or you could be, or you, or you, or YOU (pointing at you)! But not me. That’s kooky talk.
On the upside, if our communist suppressors finally are able to get their way and overthrow democracy, I can be assured of a fine job as Minister of Internet Propaganda. I love propaganda, and everything it stands for. Hell, most of what I do could be classified as such anyways, since almost everything to do with marketing is basically lying. Fancy words and pretty pictures that have absolutely nothing to do with anything. Plus there’s the job security. There’s nothing like knowing that I cannot be fired to really drive me to surf the internet. A lot. If I couldn’t be fired, I don’t think I would ever do anything. At all. When my dictatorial supervisors asked me where my work was, I would naturally go on a violent tirade about the evils of the capitalistic pigs who would seek to imprison us with their financial shackles. Then I’d point and say “look, a bunny” and hide in a broom closet until the day was over.
Sadly, this is a democracy, and a capitalistic one to boot. In this world, when I screw up there are consequences to face, and questions to answer. In times of turmoil, the brave stand tall, accept their own inadequacies and fight through hardship, knowing that only by falling can they ever learn to stand on their own. Without perseverance, could we know the value of achievement? Without suffrage, could we know freedom? Now if you need me, I’ll be in the broom closet.
June 28, 2005 at 3:58 pm · Filed under General
Oh man, what a mess my house is turning out to be. Vandals have struck, again, and left cabinets and stairway spindles in their evil wake. I don’t pretend to know what drives people to do stupid things like that, but I do wish that I could smack them. Oh how I’d love to smack them. I’ll assume that their parents don’t love them, and this is just a desperate cry for help. That way I can comfort myself knowing that this minor inconvenience they’ve caused me is an indication of their own self loathing and feelings of inadequacy. I don’t feel sorry for them, I’m just happy to know they are suffering. Jerks.On the good news front, it’s a long weekend and I’m going to my Poppa’s cabin at Long Island Lake for three days and three nights to unwind. I will take my dogs, my wife, games, beer, food, and nothing else. No work. No computers, no video games, no television, no visiting the house. Just some well deserved down time.
It will be sweet.
On kind of a funny note, I was looking for some stock photography today and I found this website called istockphoto.com, which is a place where you can get stock photography. Basically, people can upload their pictures, and other people can take them license free. Everybody wins. Anyhow, I was looking for pictures of people playing and having fun in a park. I found a picture of a dog taking a crap. First of all, that’s sick. Second of all, what kind of a sick bugger takes that picture, then posts it to the internet. While I know that the internet is the home of all that is retarded and unnecessary (look no further than this blog), I can’t quite fathom the thought process that went into that one.
Without further ado, behold the uselessness of the interweb!
June 27, 2005 at 4:05 pm · Filed under General
I’ve noticed an odd trend lately (read: since 1999). People download stuff. Lot’s of stuff. Everything from software, to movies, to music, to pictures of Britney Spears “naked”. This never really bothered me much because it always seemed a lot like somebody else’s problem. So I’m watching Access TV the other day, and Speakers Corner comes on. The question is “do you think it is wrong to download music?” Most people said “no”. Those people are all retarded. Now, I don’t care one way or the other if you download music, but at least have the decency to admit that what you’re doing is stealing. It’s not even a gray area, if you download music, and you do not own the rights to said music, you’re a thief. I think what really P’d me O are the excuses people used to justify their theft.“Downloading mP3’s isn’t illegal, because all of those artists have so much money that they won’t even notice.” That’s retarded. I wish I could travel through time and space and smack the living hell out of anyone dumb enough to say something like that. Banks have lots of money too, so by your dumbass logic, taking money from a bank isn’t stealing. Bravo! Now we can all be rich, thanks to your brilliant loophole! I can’t believe that nobody noticed that earlier, it’s so simple, yet so COMPLETELY MORONIC!
“If I didn’t download it, I wouldn’t buy it, so they wouldn’t get money anyways.” Hey great idea there. Why don’t I walk into a store and steal all of the pants. I like pants, but not enough to buy my own. It’s not stealing though, because I never had any intention of buying pants. Wait. That’s the very definition of stealing YOU BRAINLESS, LIFELESS, REPROBATE! BAH!“The money doesn’t go to the artists, so the only ones being hurt are record companies”. Great point. I mean, it’s not like record companies have to pay the artists, or for advertising, or production, or distribution, and hey, they don’t take a salary for the work they do. I’m pretty sure that CD’s go from the studio (which is totally free by the way) right to the magic land of music and love, and then, suddenly, bright and early Tuesday morning the music fairies deliver the brand new CD’s to stores across the land! And in a perfect world, morons who think that’s true choke on their tongues whenever they try to say something outrageously stupid.
“I’m not hurting anybody”. Yes you are. Artists, while famous and often annoying, are still people too. If you don’t support them, and buy their CDs, then record companies say “dude, you aren’t selling enough CDs, so you’re fired” and then they have to get real jobs. Do you like your real job? Wouldn’t you rather be a rock star? I sure as hell would. And I would be UBER pissed if I made it as a rock star, and little dinks like you downloaded my songs instead of buying my album. Do I care if you download? No. Just say these words “I steal music, and I do not give a rats ass about the repercussions.” Then I won’t have to use my Bitch Slap of the Day card to own your dumb ass.
June 22, 2005 at 4:54 pm · Filed under General
Man. I’ve been awful busy lately. I’m not only responsible for getting my work done, but also seeing to it that our new employees are doing theirs as well. This is more work than one would think.
I’m terrible and criticizing people too, so that’s not helping things. If one of them does something and I don’t like it, I more or less feel the need to say “that’s okay” even if it sucks. I’ll have to work on that.
Last night there was a wicked thunderstorm that scared the hell out of my dogs. I was sound asleep, having a terrible dream involving and endless attack of leeches, when I woke up to my dogs trying their very best to climb into me and hide. Seriously, it would not have been possible for either of them to have snuggled any closer, and despite my 250lb frame vs my dogs 10lb frames I was held almost immobile for a good hour. I think that my sleepiness playing into their hand. I would wake up thinking “man, I’m really uncomfortable. Why can’t I move? Oh, the dogs. Well then, I’ll just….” at by that point I would have fallen back asleep. This repeated for at least an hour. Sadly, I’m too lazy to wake all the way up and deal with something when it’s becoming a problem. This is especially true if I ever have to pee during the night. No matter how many times I wake up, I’ll always try to convince myself that I can hold it until morning. Then, after a good hour of holding it, I’ll finally get up, take a gianormous whiz, and then fall back asleep.
I know that I’m stupid, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about. How frustrating. I tried to think up a way to overcome my stupidity, but alas, I’m too stupid. Oh irony of ironies!
June 20, 2005 at 3:18 pm · Filed under General
Blogger continues to be broken and will not allow me to color my text. I continue to be lazy and unwilling to add my own class to the text. I know how, but I find doing web work for free to be a lot like working, but for free. As a result, I won’t even open Photoshop if I’m off of the clock these days.
Anyhow, on Saturday it was cold and raining, so I decided to cheer myself up with a giant pot of chili. Seeing as how Mrs. Iron has been doing Weight Watchers lately, this left a large pot of chili to be eaten. By me. In one weekend. This did not prove too great of an obstacle.
Then last night I had a steak that was honestly as big as my head. It was enormous. I topped if off with some mixed veggies.
Where is all of this leading? Why, I’ll tell you. Today at work we took on two new employees. All morning we met, chatted, and helped them to get acquainted to their new surroundings. Throughout these proceedings I had to fart like nobody’s business, but out of courtesy, I repressed the urge. Then we all went to lunch together. I had a rice bowl.
Let me diverge for a moment here. I fart all of the time. I’ve blogged about it in the past. Chili makes me fart. Red meat is like a yummy enema. Complex starches, like those found in vegetables give me gas. Rice gives me gas.
I was with the students all day, and during my one attempted pee break, one of them followed me in, thus limiting my outburst. They just left for the day.
Prior to their departure I was beginning to have chest pains, and my stomach felt noticeably swollen. When they left, and had been gone for a sufficient amount of time I cut loose.
I can honestly say that I’ve never farted louder, or longer in my entire life. Let alone the combination of the two.
I am certain that there are other people in my office building who fear for the structural integrity of our building. And the smell. It was like chili and a dead raccoon crawled into my bum and fermented for months on end.
This could not have been healthy. Even as I write this, aftershocks threaten our national security. Our new employees may have to become acquainted with ‘Farty Keith’ ahead of schedule.
June 16, 2005 at 8:14 am · Filed under General
The unthinkable has been thunk. Chris from Jayman, my masked crusader who would certainly bring death to all who oppose me, has let me down. He called last night (at 6:30, HULK ….MAD!) to inform me that our possession date has been pushed back to July 15. Lucky for him I was out at the time so my rage was not unleashed in his direction. I’m pretty sure my wife survived the brunt of it, perhaps I should buy her something pretty today…
Anyhow, I did some quick math and realized that we were given our June 30 possession date May 6. That means that in 40 days Jayman managed to fall 15 days behind schedule. To my mind that means they did a little more than half of the work that would have been necessary to meet their deadline. That is a poor show.
Strangely I’m less filled with rage, and more disappointed. HULK ….SAD! (At this point a single tear runs down my cheek.) We’re going to try and get Bayhood to extend our lease one more month, hopefully they haven’t found new tenants yet. Jayman has to pay for a hotel and meal expenses, as well as storage for all of our stuff. I figure that a hotel is about $80 per night, storage will be about $150 for a month, and meals will be about $100 per day. That adds up to $2,850 for the 15 days we’re left homeless. I’m going to try and extend our lease so that we can pay $800 for rent, and use the rest to hire movers. That way I don’t miss more work.
We’ll see how that goes.
PS Blogger is broken, so I can’t style my text. Odd.
June 15, 2005 at 5:04 pm · Filed under General
I’m not one prone to doing stupid stuff like this, as this is the sole purpose of 90% of the blogs in the world and I always wanted my blog to be about me…. whining.Anyhow, this site made me laugh out loud at work. Which is kind of embarrassing.
June 15, 2005 at 9:53 am · Filed under General
So I sent my nasty Jayman letter yesterday at lunch. I went on the website and grabbed three random email addresses and just kind of fired it off. At 5:15pm I got a call from Chris, the GM of Jayman Masterbuilt Edmonton, who promised to look into it personally, and call me back today between 3 and 5. How my email found him is beyond me, but I’m glad that it did.I’m not sure how to handle this. I was a ball of rage and fury, masked by cold civility and veiled sarcasm, but this leaves me in limbo. My rage stands on hold, ready to be unleashed, yet the faint hope of someone ‘making things right’ has stopped me cold in my tracks. I’m not sure where to go from here, perhaps force mind tricks. “You WILL finish my house on time.” At one point I was asked what Jayman would have to do to regain my trust, I said “finish my house on time, and do it with a little pride.” I think that about sums it up.
I am on stand-by until Chris gets back to me between 3 and 5. I’ll tell you what though, if 5:15 rolls around and I’m still in limbo watch out! The next time you see me will be on the news, during a breaking report of a giant green man wreaking havoc through downtown Edmonton, leaving a trail of death and destruction in his wake. They’ll probably have to call in the military, but we’re Canadian so it will take at least three weeks. By that time I will have completely leveled Edmonton & moved on to Calgary. Or maybe Red Deer, it’s closer, and I’m pretty lazy. Even as The Hulk and running rampant, I still assume that I would be somewhat lazy. It would be more like “lightly jogging” rampant.
It would take a miracle for them to finish my house in 15 days, but Ty and the gang can start from scratch and finish in seven, so I know that it can be done. I bet every home builder in the world hates that show, because now everyone wants their house built in seven days, as opposed to seven months. Hopefully, tonight when I go and visit my house there will be a crew of 200 men working around the clock to get it done. Or siding. I would settle for siding.
June 14, 2005 at 9:39 am · Filed under General
Alright now. I’ve about had enough of all of this garbage. After constant ignorance, incompetence and oodles of deception, our home builder has finally crossed the line. They have informed us that they will miss their proposed June 30 move in date, but it’s totally okay because we can just move into a hotel for a while.Crap. Total crap. I have written a sternly worded letter to Jayman, I would include it here, but it’s length and breadth are far too excessive to bother. The gist of it is “you’re completely incompetent, and I would never recommend that anyone build a house with you.” After I wrote it I decided to sleep on it for a night, because sometimes a letter written in the heat of the moment is not the best idea. I didn’t sleep last night because I was too busy being mad. Thus, LETTER AHOY! I am as angry as I can ever remember being.
The audacity of their nonchalance is what’s really chapping my ass. Their attitude seems to be “we’re late, but you’ll just have to deal with it.” This is unacceptable, and I will tell them as much. We’ve already booked the phone, gas, cable, internet, water & Sewer, electricity, arranged for furniture & appliance deliveries, and given notice at our apartment. We’ve taken time off of work, booked a moving van, and are already packing. I would understand if the events that lead to these inevitable delays weren’t the fault of Jayman, but they are. Thus, rage.
I’m just supposed to pack up and move into a storage locker, take my wife to a hotel, find a home for our dogs, take more time off of work, and rearrange all of our appointments and deliveries because they aren’t capable of doing their job? I can’t imagine the shit I would catch if I tried that garbage on one of my clients. It’s unprofessional, unfair, and just plain old cunty. I suppose that’s the Jayman advantage for you!
Hey hey!
June 13, 2005 at 7:07 am · Filed under General
I’m a big guy. I’m 6′8″ and about 240lbs. There is a lot of me to go around. For some reason this makes shopping for clothes almost impossible. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only tall dude in the world. I’ve even met a number of dudes taller than me. This has absolutely no bearing on the clothing industry whatsoever. For some odd reason, people in the clothing industry only cater to two sizes of people, normal and fat. At 240lbs, I am far from fat, but also, far from normal. I take a 36 inch waist and a 38 inch inseem. Does anyone in the entire world make this combination? No. I have never found a single pair of pants in my entire life that fit properly. It’s annoying. I’ve even tried Big & Tall stores, but for some odd reason, they assume that everyone is both big and tall. I’ve seriously found pants there that have a 48inch waist and a 38 inch inseem. Where is the monolith that can wear those pants? Seriously, that’s like Andre the Giant sized. I have never, in my entire life, seen anyone that big. It’s insane. And for some reason big and tall stores seem to forget that 1993 was 12 years ago. If you want some fitted, tapered, light blue, acid wash jeans, then Mr. Big & Tall is the place for you! Awesome, I’ll take two pair of giant, fat man pants, and why don’t you just throw in some of those sweet Cosby sweaters to finish the look. Ah…. that’s the way, now I can never have sex again! Thank you Mr. Big & Tall!T-shirts are no better. Sizes are small, medium, large, and fat-ass. No tall. If I buy large, the shirt is snug and too short. If I buy XL, the shirt is FREAKING HUGE, and too short. Bah! I hate that stores will cater to fat people, but not tall people. If stores didn’t make clothing for fat people, they could always lose some weight and then buy cool clothes. When stores don’t make clothing for tall people, we’re forced to wear ill fitting attire. That’s (to quote the mid 90’s) lame. I have to look like a moron every day because more people are fat than tall. What a stupid world.
This has all become an issue because I need a new pair of jeans. Because I have to buy jeans with a 32″ inseem I have to wear them really low. This inevitably leads to my tearing the crotch out of them, as I have done right now. If I can’t find a new pair of pants soon, my balls will be on permanent display, which luckily for me, is totally acceptable in any office environment.
I suppose my only option is to get outrageously fat. Hoo AH!
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