Archive for June, 2005
June 8, 2005 at 2:42 pm · Filed under General
I often wonder how I made it through kindergarten. I hate sharing and I hate meeting new people. The thought of meeting someone new and sharing a meal is possibly worse than malaria. It’s not that I hate everyone. I’ve just got lots of friends that I like already, so I don’t see the need to make more. That’s just greedy. And I don’t hate sharing because I’m selfish, I just think it’s gross.Here’s the thing. I maybe get one or two chances a week where it would even be possibly to get together with a buddy and hang out. I have four ‘really good’ friends, and several ‘good’ friends. As is, I don’t get to see any of my friends as often as I would like. I can’t imagine the pandemonium that most people’s lives must be, trying to balance all of their friends, buddies, acquaintances and chums. It seems like a lot of work. I would rather just avoid the whole scene. What’s more is that I have a really hard time finding people who don’t annoy me, and whom I don’t annoy. It just doesn’t seem worth the effort to make more friends. The only real upside that I can see is that I’d get a better turnout at my funeral, and frankly, I won’t be there so I don’t give a rat’s ass. At least this way I can pretty much guarantee that everyone at my funeral will be crying. I’d cry if I lost me. Who wouldn’t?
On sharing:
If you share a drink with a friend you might as well just lick the inside of their filthy mouth. Moreover, nine out of ten guys don’t wash their hands after they pee. If you’re sharing nachos with a buddy of yours, you might as well just put his penis in your mouth and get it out of the way. (A note to guys: If you just get you hands wet and don’t use soap, you’re not washing your hands. You’d actually be better off doing nothing, as bacteria love three things: warm, wet and dark. If you don’t use soap, you’re just adding some wet.) The only exception to my sharing rule is my wife, and that’s because I kiss her all of the time, and I know for a fact that she always washes her hands. I’m not overly germophobic, I just use common sense.
So if we’re out and you need a drink of my water, you can wait until I’m almost done, then have the rest. If you want to split a meal, go wash up. And if you ever reach over and try to grab something off of my plate, I hope you’re ready for some fork in your hand.
June 7, 2005 at 12:37 pm · Filed under Work
I have a client who just called me to say that now that their site is finished they don’t think the frontpage has enough ‘wow’. What the hell? That has to be about the damn dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of and it absolutely reeks of “we want more work done for free.” As of this instant my response is going to be “wow. well, here’s your invoice.” I mean really, it’s not like they’re surprised by the final product. I have four client review periods put in place, and I have four emails from them verifying that they’ve seen the site and I can move ahead with it. Wouldn’t you agree that a great time to bring up the decided lack of “wow” would have been, say, before it was done? I do.If they want me to work more, they’ll have to pay me more. End of story. What’s with people wanting something for nothing nowadays. It’s like a pandemic sweeping across the nation. Have you ever heard someone say that they want a deal because a store is out of stock? That’s the damn dumbest commie-nazi pile of crap ever. Hey meathead, it’s capitalism. The goal is to run out of stock, thus creating demand and increasing profit margins. I wish that I could tell my client “hey meathead, it’s capitalism. If you want me to do more work, you must first give me more pay.” It’s none too hard a concept to grasp. But I can’t. Well, I could, but I really shouldn’t. BAH!
I’m going to meet with them today at 4:30. I’ll be sure to post the minutes to this muchly anticipated meeting of the minds.
June 3, 2005 at 10:51 am · Filed under General
Believe it or not, Sonic wrote back to me, and quite promptly might I add. This was what they had to say:
Thanks for your email and comments. We do appreciate them here at Sonic. Please do not hide in a coffee shop. Too much caffeine can make you crazy.
Just to let you know we are playing 2 Nickelback songs from the first album. However we will not be playing any Default, TODM etcetera. Since we are an ever evolving station we change things. So you may soon never hear them again.
I truly appreciate you taking the time and letting us know what you like and do not like about Sonic.
Thanks for listening.
Jason Manning
Music Director
Sonic 102.9
What? An actual reply, from an actual person, that not implies that my email was read, but that someone actually cares what I wrote? Unbelievable. My response to my own email would have been “when you get your own radio station you can choose the songs. Until then, bite me” or something along those lines. I felt the need to reply with the following:Jason,
I’m must say that I am amazed that someone bothered to write back. I’m sure you get hundreds of emails every day saying “do play this” and “don’t play that”. If I were you, and I’m not, my stance would be “we play what we play because people tell us thy like it. You can’t please all the people all of the time.”
I m more than willing to listen to some songs I don’t like on your radio station, with the subtle exception of Theoryofanickelfault. Man do I hate that crap. Hopefully, enough winy people like me crawled out of their shells to bitch and you will take our hatred to heart. I don’t think much of the Tragically Hip, but I understand that as a Canadian radio station you are required, by law, to play one Tragically Hip song per hour. Or at least I think you must be, based on every damn radio station in Edmonton playing their songs all of the time. Either way, I just accept it as the cost of listening to the radio and let it slide.
I just have one question. Why “2 Nickelback songs from the first album”? Were they good back then and nobody told me? I’m pretty sure I saw them play the Sidetrack a few years ago, and I don’t remember thinking it was good. If you’re going to play Nickelback, you should play ‘Too Bad”, at least I think that’s what it’s called. It may well be “2 badd” or something stupid like that. At least when you play that (crappy) song I can amuse myself my yelling “IT’S TOO BAD, IT’S TO BAD, IT’S TOO BAD, IT’S TOO BA-A-AD” at the top of my lungs. Good times indeed! I think that if you’re going to legitimize playing tunes by any band on the basis of “we only play their old stuff”, you should make that band Metallica. Awesome old stuff. Not so awesome new stuff. I’m sure your listeners would way rather rock out to ‘Creeping Death’ than see what CKUA is playing during ‘Enter Sandman’. Based on your response to my email, I will personally come down to your radio station and buy 20 watts. I do ask that you use them to play some really cool song I haven’t heard before, but I’ll take what I can get.
Until I bring you $20,Keith
June 2, 2005 at 1:24 pm · Filed under General
The honeymoon is over. Today on my way to work Edmonton’s newest radio station finally played a Nickelback tune, thus signifying the beginning of the end. It is inevitable, once you concede to the beer swilling, rig-pig, ignorant nation and play one of their songs on your station they will never let you stop. It’s like the mob, but for crappy music. I sent them the following email:Dear Sonic,
I’ve really been enjoying your station for the last few weeks. It’s nice to see that there was a radio station that was at least willing to TRY to be different. It’s a real shame that you had to go and play Nickelback this morning though. I seriously hate Nickelback with the flaming passion of a million burning suns, and I fear, now that you have begun your journey down the path of least resistance, there will be no turning back.
Soon you will playing Theoryofanickelfault to the aging throngs of truck driving, ignorant, beer swilling rednecks who so thoroughly populate this great province of ours. I’m afraid that it is only a matter of time until we, the meek and alternative loving, are once again forced to run and hide in our parents basements, expensive coffee shops, and on Whyte Ave.
I know you’re thinking “dude, it’s just one song, take it easy”. Little do you know the series of events you have set in to motion. The one person listening who liked that song will tell two of his buddies. Then his buddies will tell two of their buddies. Soon, you won’t be able to answer the phone without some drunked hick yelling “PLAY SOME F*&CKING NICKELBACK! THAT NEW F*&CKING TUNE F#*CKING ROCKs! F*&CKIN’ GIV’R DUDES! I’M TOTALLY GONNA F*&CKIN’ DO’ER UP THIS F*&CKING WEEKEND AND I NEED SOME F*&CKING NICKELBACK TO GET STARTED!”
In closing, Theoryofanickelfault = bad. Alternative music = good.
I just thought I’d clear that up for you.
PS while you’re sucking it up, why don’t you play some George Thorogood, John ‘Cougar’ Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. They all ROCK too, WOO WEE!
June 1, 2005 at 9:40 am · Filed under General
Why do some guys thinks that shirts are more of a suggestion than a real rule? There is an inherent level of ‘whitetrashiocity’ associated with going topless for your average man. The only thing more white trash than going shirtless is wearing a wife beater with a mustard stain. Or, as was the case with a buddy of mine during the women’s hockey finals, a wife beater with the words “GO BITCHES” written in magic marker on the back. Hot.Now I’m not saying that dudes should always have to wear shirts, but there is both a time and a place for shirtlessness. For example, swimming is a shirt free exercise. Grocery shopping is not. Working in your yard can be shirts optional. Riding the bus really shouldn’t be.
It all boils down to common sense. If there is a legitimate reason to removes ones shirt, ie to keep it dry, or avoid getting it dirty, then sure, go shirt optional. If the reason for removing a shirt is “I don’t like wearing shirts”, then you’re trash. If the reason for removing a shirt is “I want to impress girls with my muscles”, then you’re stupid, and so is any girl who dates you. (note: if I had muscles I would only wear a shirt to work, and then only if I was specifically asked to put one on, so it’s hard to blame those dudes)
Going shirts optional is also temperature dependent. If it’s not real hot like, and real sunny like, keep your damn shirt on. You’re not getting a tan, and you look like a moron.
A lesser offense against rational thought is going sleeves optional. There should be a law stating that only dudes who take care of themselves should be allowed to go sleeves optional. This is a note to you, fat hairy guy who wouldn’t know a bicep curl from a curly fry. Trust me, it’s not a good look.
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