Archive for August, 2005
August 26, 2005 at 12:05 pm · Filed under General
I’ve been busy at work lately because I’m taking a weeks vacation, so that’s why my updates have been so sporadic. I will resume posting sometime after I get back.
Keith’s Plans for 1 week (10 days) of vacation:
- Eat until I am sick.
- Stay up real late like watching movies on TV, despite my having seen them dozens of times before.
- Have beer for lunch on a weekday.
- Go to the mountains.
- Go to the beach.
- Ask people if it’s “hot enough for you” no matter what the weather is like.
- Refuse to turn on a computer.
- Play golf.
- Vow to never play golf again.
- Engage in an epic game of dominoes with my wife and parents.
- Play video games.
- Play guitar.
- Avoid work like the plague.
- Work on the house when my wife (the plague) makes me.
- Apologize to my wife for referring to her as “The Plague” every time she makes me work.
- Make fun of my Dad’s crappy rental car (Chrysler Sebring - It’s like a Ford Taurus, but less cool)
If there is anything else I should be doing I can’t think of what it might be. Peace in tha East y’all. I shall return.
The Keith will rise again.
August 23, 2005 at 4:16 pm · Filed under General
I was the last guy in the world to notice that Blogger is kind enough to track your posts. This is number 121, and as such I feel this must be a special blog indeed. It’s not everyday that your eleventy-squared blog is written, and as such I will spout forth on something that has infuriated me beyond the confines of human comprehension.
Pat Robertson’s call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
Okay now. This has to be the damn dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life. The layers of ignorance, and hypocrisy stretch beyond the limits of my imagination.
Alright Cap’n Christianity, would you please inform me what the sixth commandment is? Oh yeah, “Thou shall not kill”. Now I wasn’t with Moses on Mount Sinai, so I may be confused here, but I don’t really think God left a lot of room for expansion with that one. There was no “Thou shall not kill, unless thou killest Muslim bastards” (Muslims not having been invented at the time).
Is that not clear enough for you? Do you still seek clarification as to why you should not kill people who dare to have a different viewpoint than yours?
How about the sermon on the Mount where Jesus said “Do unto others what you want them to do to you”? Would you like someone to kill you? No? Then shut yer trap! Should the CIA assassinate Hugo at the beck and call of Pat, it would be plain old blasphemous to not have them kill Pat too. It’s called the Golden Rule Pat. If there is any one teaching that you should really take with you from all of you days at church, it should be that one. Sometimes I wish God would still smite people who were outright blasphemous.
What really baffles me is that this ass clown was the head of the Christian Coalition, which claims over two million members. Is it any real wonder that the world thinks most Christians are hypocritical and self-serving? What a pile of crap.
I do not know what God would have to declare, from the top of a freaking mountain no less, that would finally drive some sense into these red-neck, ignorant, sheltered, moronic, inbred, thumb-sucking, pick-up driving, gun toting, RETARDS. Get your own damn religion! Or at least pay attention to the one you have declared yourself the voice of.
To be associated with this depth of idiocy is insulting to me. I’m all for free speech, let that imbecile spout off any which way he chooses, but for the love of all that is good, do not assume he speaks for anyone but himself.
BAH!
August 19, 2005 at 12:06 pm · Filed under General
In 1999 my Dad received a job in Australia. It was supposed to be for a three year work term, after which he would return to Canada. My Dad did an excellent job down in Australia, and as such, he has since been hired on for an additional three years.
Spending six years in Australia has been difficult at times for my parents. They have missed out on a fair amount of fun, and fallen a little out of touch with their friends back here in Canada. In order to compensate for this, my parents come visit Canada once per year, and usually spend three or four weeks. During this time, a desperate effort is made to visit every possible relative, friend, and event, in order to make up for the time lost during the rest of the year.
I usually tag along with my parents, they have fun friends and a tendency towards picking up the tab. This however has lead to many awkward situations involving the standard greeting. Recently, it seems to have become acceptable for men, who are either related or good friends, to hug as opposed to shaking hands. Now, I’m a fairly modern guy, and I lack any real homophobic tendencies. As such, I have taken to hugging friends and family.
This has lead to an awkward situation almost every time I meet one of my parents friends. I’ve known these people all of my life, and they are generally quite friendly. They are also, by and large, old fashioned. As such, I will often go for the hybrid hug & shake, where it starts as a hand shake and you pull them in to do a manly chest bump and back slap. Still though, there is always that awkward moment, right before the greeting, where I am a mess. Do I hug? Do I shake? Is the hybrid appropriate?
I am unsure of the social decorum involved in this. Frankly, I’m beginning to pine for the days when a handshake was the only acceptable form of greeting. By nature though, I express emotion physically, so the hug seems like a natural part of my repertoire.
Does anyone else have this problem? I am seriously considering never greeting anyone again until some type of rule book is published, outlining the ifs and whens of man to man huggery.
I also have a hard time with the hugging female friends, but for different reasons. I am 6′8″, while the average woman is about 5′6″. Usually, in the casual hug, you stand a good foot apart, then bend at the waist bringing your shoulders together. So while you are embracing with your arms, your groins stay a comfortable distance apart. My choices are limited by my height. Do I bend to an extreme at the waist, or do I hug their heads right to my chest? It’s uncomfortable either way, yet still completely unavoidable. I usually try to keep things as brief as possible, in order to disguise my discomfort.
The casual hug is starting to become a serious social hindrance in my life. Perhaps from now on I’ll accept the motto “high five, or bust.”
August 18, 2005 at 8:22 am · Filed under General
Ah yes, the trophy of the urban housewife, the SUV. I remember a time when everyone’s Mom drove a mini-van and they were proud of it. My mom drove a 1978 Grand Prix most of my childhood, and that was pretty cool.
The SUV however is not, and that’s why it gets one of a possible five Johnny Fives:
I hate SUVs with the white hot passion of a million burning suns. If there is any one indication that I would have to pick in order to prove that our society is in decline, I would choose the SUV. Not only are they completely useless, and utterly stupid looking; they are also inefficient and unsafe. If you have recently bought an SUV, I would recommend selling it now, because sometime really soon you won’t be able to give it away.
What are the pros of SUV ownership? You have lots of leg room, and you sit up high. Often they are four wheel drive, and you have excellent ground clearance. Not to mention the raw power flowing forth from your massive engine. If only all of those things weren’t completely superfluous, and widely available in better, more efficient, cars.
Now the cons:
- SUVs are the most highly inefficient cars on the road. A Ford Explorer can travel 5.5km on one litre of gas. Today in Edmonton, gas costs 102.9¢ per litre. I believe that the gas tank in a Ford Explorer can hold around 100L. So for $102.90 you can drive around 550km. Comparatively, my Pontiac Vibe has around a 45L gas tank. On my last tank of gas I drove 520km on 39L of fuel. Let’s boil it down then: It costs me 7.7¢ to drive one kilometer. It costs an SUV owner 18.7¢ to drive the same kilometer. I drive around 25,000km per year. This costs me $1925/year. It would cost an SUV owner $4675. You are paying $2750/year for leg room. I am 6′8″, and I fit comfortably into my Pontiac Vibe.
- If you think 102.9¢/L is a lot, you are in for a big surprise. Developing countries such as China, Korea, and India account for almost 40% of the world’s population. They aren’t yet as developed as the United States, but they are getting there. Fast. To put things into perspective, The United States accounts for around 5% of the worlds population, and they consume almost 25% of the worlds oil. If China, Korea, and India were to consume oil at the same rate, per capita, as the United States, oil consumption would increase almost 200%. Many people think this will happen within the next decade. Oil companies are saying that there is absolutely no way they can match that level of demand. There are not currently enough refineries, plants, or reserves to match that demand, nor are there enough currently in prodution to meet this need.What happens when the demand for a product vastly outweighs the supply? It’s been a while since I took ECON 101, but let me take a stab at it. The price goes up. WAY up. If you think 102.9¢/L is a lot, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I promise you that gas will be over $2/L within two years. There is no ceiling, and it will get to a point were it will be almost impossible to afford to drive an SUV. Sell it now. Strike while the iron is hot. Trust me.
- SUVs are ugly. Am I alone in this?
- SUVs aren’t safe. They don’t rate overly well in crash tests and they are prone to rolling over while cornering.
- As a result of their blatant disregard for efficiency they pollute like crazy.
- No one really needs four wheel drive any more. Advances in computer technology have created rear-wheel drive cars that can maintain traction in adverse situations, and get better fuel economy to boot.
Now just take the time to examine you life. Are there any circumstances under which you actually require the use of an SUV? Do you spend a lot of time off-road in the wilderness? Even if you do, there are better options. A truck comes to mind.
SUVs are retarded, and I hate everything they stand for. Ignorance in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are completely useless drives me insane. There’s even a gas-guzzler tax in some areas. It is obscene to me that some people would choose such an ineffective form of transportation, when there are a wealth of excellent alternatives.
My day will come though. Soon enough, people who own SUVs will realize that they can no longer afford to fill them with gas. When they try to sell their monoliths, they will find that there is no longer a market because few people can afford a $40,000 car that costs $500/month to fuel.
A word to the wise, think fuel efficient. Do everything that you can today to slow your use of fossil fuels. I don’t give a rats ass about the environment, because I am of the opinion that it is too late to save it now, but think of it as an investment. By spending a little money today to save energy you will save a lot of money in the future. Just think, right now fuel efficiency isn’t an overly important factor in most people’s purchase. According to CNN, only 30% of car buyers think it is relevant to their car buying decision. There is low demand on efficiency right now. Thus, it is cheap. This will change. Beat the crowds, save a lot of cash. It is just that simple.
August 17, 2005 at 8:28 am · Filed under General
My family is all okay, and as such, I can return to my normal blogging schedule. Perhaps “okay” is a bit of an exaggeration, as there are broken legs and ribs, but they aren’t dead and they will get better.
Mashed potatoes, good. Beer, good. Steak, good.
So why then, a disappointing four of a possible five Kevin Bacon heads? Allow me to explain.
First of all, I have eaten at restaurant that are way nicer than The Keg. If I were to arbitrarily throw around five out of a possible five Kevin Bacon heads, they would lose significance and I’d turn into that guy who gives bad movies good reviews on the packaging. “The Keg was an action packed thrill ride!” Not cool.
Second, they over-cooked my steak. I like steak medium-rare. That’s pink and warm and juicy in the middle. There was no juice. Don’t get me wrong here, it was still freaking delicious, but nowhere near as delicious as it could have been had they only cooked it right. If you’re thinking that I just should have sent the steak back and got a new one, you obviously don’t know me. That idea sucks of several levels:
- I would be insulting the cooks talents, then giving him my food in a location where I would be unable to monitor his activities. This is a recipe for disaster, and I avoid it like the plague. I choose to eat as little human split/pubic hair/boogers/sweat etc. as possible.
- I would have no food while everyone else is eating. “Hey guys, don’t wait for me, I’ll just snack on some bread.” That’s loser talk. I ordered food because I wanted to eat it, not because I wanted to sit there like a tool while everyone else eats.
Finally, they sat me right next to a giant fireplace, and I was a sweaty, sweaty man. I don’t like to sweat while I eat, as I believe that is the practice of the extremely obese, and Indian men who eat crazy spices. (That’s an Indian from India, which should be obvious. I refuse to refer to Indians as East Indians for more reasons than I’m going to get into at this time.)
Should everyone eat at The Keg? Bet you ass you should. It’s yummy food, and it’s not overly expensive. For a little more than you would pay to go to the Olive Garden, you could have yummy seared meat. You can’t beat that with a stick.
I am now extremely hungry. Perhaps I should avoid restaurant reviews on days where I missed breakfast.
August 16, 2005 at 8:49 am · Filed under General
I was going to post a witty review of The Keg, where I ate my dinner last night. However, on arriving home last night I learned that my in-laws had been involved in a motorcycle accident. Their injuries, while not life threatening, are still fairly severe. I’m just happy that they’re alive, unlike people in movies I sincerely love my in-laws and think they’re great people.
The were riding down a winding road at about 50 km/h and lost control of the bike. I’m not sure of the details, but I do know that my Mother-in-law was thrown off the bike. She sustained several broken ribs, and road rash. My Father-in-law stayed with the bike and received a broken and dislocated ankle, in addition to road rash. All in all they were quite lucky, the road they were driving on was along a cliffside, so had they fallen the other way, the most likely would have died. Not to mention, oncoming traffic, trees, etc. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
Obviously this has caused great upset in the IronKeith household, and as such, I’m just not in the mood for a witty review of The Keg. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not.
August 15, 2005 at 8:21 am · Filed under General
Movies currently playing in Edmonton that I haven’t seen:
- Broken Flowers - I have no idea what this is.
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - For some reason I don’t care the least little bit whether or not I see this movie. Possibly because deep down, I think Johnny Depp is annoying. Mostly because he’s named after hair gel.
- Deuce Bigelow, European Gigolo - I have drawn a line in the sand, and once again refuse to see any sequels under any circumstance. I suggest that you do the same until Hollywood gets the point.
- Dukes of Hazzard - This movie looks slightly worse than a kick in the testicles.
- Four Brothers - Ya got them, good vibrashu-uns…
- Island - Complete John Woo wanna-be tripe. Unless it actually is a John Woo movie, in which case it is simply tripe.
- Must Love Dogs - I have never heard of this movie.
- Skeleton Key - I have never heard of this movie.
- Supercross - Who watches these movies, and how do they keep from swallowing their own tongues?
- War of the Worlds - I’ve been meaning to see this one, but it wasn’t playing during the matinee.
- Wedding Crashers - Supposed to be hilarious, however, I’m pretty sure that if I took my fifteen year old brother in law to this movie that my mother in law would beat me up.
With these “Hot Hollywood Hits” to choose from is it any wonder that Sky High gets four of a possible five Tony Danza heads? I think not.
Eh oh, oh eh, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and saying that children’s movie are, by far, better written, directed and acted than most of the bile pumped out of Hollywood these days. Just take a look at the highest grossing movies of the last few years and I think you’ll see what I mean. Shrek, The Incredibles, Harry Potter, The Polar Express, Finding Nemo, The Pirates of the Caribbean, Monster’s Inc. and so on and so forth. All of these movies were great, except possibly The Polar Express, which I never saw.
Pretty much every other successful film was an uber high budget action flic, backed by an enormous marketing campaign. These movies are usually complete crap. The only reason people claim to like them is because people are retarded, and all of the bright flashing lights and explosions, combined with an irrelevant plot and the off chance of seeing titties, make for brainless viewing. I will freely admit that quite often I am in the mood to check my brain at the door and just watch people shoot stuff. It’s fun, and sometimes I don’t feel much like thinking.
Yet back we go to Sky High. Primarily I liked this movie because it was funny, and not just ‘cute’ or ’silly’ but actually clever and witty. I laughed out loud several times, which did lead to some embarrassment. At one point there is a thinly veiled joke, packed with innuendo, and I laughed right out loud. Sadly it was during the Matinee, and I was the only one who laughed. I can only hope that my laughter led to some child asking “Mom, why is that funny?” and that some Mom had to explain to her child that I am crazy, and that’s why you should never talk to strangers.
The story was good, the twist was clever, the characters were interesting, and the cliches were necessary. It was a kids superhero movie, so of course things are going to be a little over the top.
My only real complaint was Kurt Russell’s costume. It was stupid looking. First of all, superheros don’t wear plastic capes. Second, it looked like it was one solid piece of white plastic that had been spray painted red and blue by a blind preteen in the depths of Malaysia.
At least Kelly Preston is wearing little but lycra.
The point of all of this is: Rather than go see any of the complete crap that is currently in theatres, go see Sky High.
August 11, 2005 at 8:21 am · Filed under General
Who is the most annoying of all the actors in Three Men and a Baby? Well, Steve Gutenberg is probably dead by now, so it would be unkind to say it’s him. Tom Selleck is awesome, and he has a moustache that could kick my ass, so it isn’t him. Therefore, by process of elimination, it must be Ted Danson. As the worst actor from one of the cheesiest movies of all time, it is only fitting that someone that craptacular be used to rate Jungle Jim’s in West Edmonton Mall:
Yes, it is the coveted one of a possible five Ted Danson heads, the worst rating that I could think of this early in the morning.
As a preface to why we went to a tiki themed restaurant called Jungle Jim’s in the first place, I feel it necessary to state that it is all my Mom’s fault. She and my father moved to Australia six years ago, and as such have been forced to live without certain items that we Canadians have become accustomed to taking for granted. Among these items, Ju-Jubes, Peanut Buster Parfait, Thousand Island dressing, and hot wings. Beer and hot wings are a staple in my family, and have been for years. As such, one of the first things my Mom wanted to do upon arriving in Canada was head out for a good feed of hot wings. We happened to be in West Edmonton Mall, when we walked by a sign declaring it to be “Wing Wednesday” at Jungle Jim’s and and reservations we may have had were forgotten.
First of all, it took at least 10 minutes until our waitress arrived to take our drink order, which is about 9 minutes too long. When she did arrive, she informed us that wing Wednesday was 8 wings for $5, but you had to buy a drink and ranch was extra. That is not a deal. That’s 63 cents per wing. That should just be how much wings cost. A deal would be 20 cents per wing, like at Orlando’s on Calgary Trail. Right there I decided no wings for me.
Now wings aren’t wings without beer, so my wife, Mom, and Brother decided to split a pitcher of beer. When the pitcher finally came, it had this really cool ice compartment at the back to keep the beer cold. “Hey, that’s cool” we all thought. Maybe Jungle Jim’s was looking up after all. Then the food came. I had ordered a BBQ chicken sandwich for $10. What I got was a grilled chicken breast with some BBQ sauce poured on after the fact, on a wonderbread bun, with one slice of tomato, and one piece of lettuce. It was the most bland, tasteless, and uninspired meal I have ever had the joy of paying $10 dollars for.
The wings were terrible too. Poor Mom, who had traveled 18 hours just to be in Canada, was quite disappointed. She didn’t even finish hers. My brother had also ordered a bowl of french onion soup, because he didn’t think that 8 wings would cut it as a meal. The waitress forgot to bring it. Twice. It finally arrived at our table after we were all finished eating. To their credit they did knock it off of our bill. To their detriment, is was powdered soup that didn’t even have onions in it. The croutons instead of french bread were a nice touch though. Classy.
Oh, and remember the saving grace of the cold beer pitcher? It was basically just a section in the back of the pitcher that could store ice cubes without watering down the beer. To keep the ice from spilling, a lid was placed over the ice section of the pitcher. This bring up the importance of placed vs. sealed. You see, because it was placed, as soon as my brother went to pour the last glass of beer and tilted the pitcher past 90 degrees the lid fell off and all of the ice poured into his lap. Now, I thought this was hilarious. My brother did not. Then, no more than two minutes later, the exact same thing happened to the table behind us.
Read carefully here: Do not eat at Jungle Jim’s. If you do, it is because you are a moron and deserve a crap meal.
August 10, 2005 at 8:39 am · Filed under General
As of right now I am sitting alone, listening to The Police. So Lonely just played, and I thought “you’re telling me.” Sadly, everyone but me is on vacation. I have three co-workers, none of whom are currently co-working. That means that for me, eight hours each day are spent completely alone. Boring.I’ve been trying to keep busy with work, but it is almost impossible to focus when you’re bored. My attention span has degraded to near nothingness, and my work ethic is struggling to keep up. Luckily this will only last for two weeks.
At first I thought that this would be kind of sweet. No more sharing, no more having to let other people listen to their music. I could just sit, listen to my music, and do things my way. I seem to have forgotten that by nature I am a social animal, and as such, require some attention to stave off insanity. It has gotten to the point where client phone calls, often the very bane of my existence, are a welcome form of human contact. Even if the client wants me to do something completely annoying, I’m just glad that they called.
Luckily my Dad gets into town tomorrow, and my evenings and weekends will be chock full of visiting and merriment. Then, once everyone else gets back from vacation, I’m taking my vacation. This keeps me going.
August 9, 2005 at 7:24 am · Filed under General
NOTE: From now on when I don’t have anything relevant to write about in my life, rather than prattle on and on about nothing, I will review something I have done recently. This may, or may not, be more entertaining than usual.
Hitch
First and foremost, why is Will Smith still famous? Has he ingrained himself so deeply within our pop culture that no matter how many shyte movies he makes in a row, people will continue to allow him to continue making more? Is he blackmailing several different studio heads? I don’t get it.My Mom wanted to watch this movie, and because everything else in the movie store was complete garbage, I agreed. If not for the fat guy from “King of Queens” I would give this movie one of a possible five Steve Guttenburg Heads, however, the fat guy from “King of Queens” is hilarious. Thus:
Yes, that’s right, that fat little man warms the very cockles of my heart. He carries this movie from the depths of oblivion into my realm of acceptable moviedom.
I will freely admit that for some odd reason I love romantic comedies. Hitch falls more into the realm of cheestastic comedies. Seriously, Will Smith busts out some of the worst lines I’ve ever heard. He’s one step away from “is your Daddy a thief?” (as an aside, the best way to finish that line is “because I think the bastard stole my wallet.” Hilarious. If that doesn’t get you a lady, you are one ugly man.)
I have Googled King of Queens and discovered that the fat guy is named Kevin James. Kevin James is hilarious. He can do no wrong in my book, and as a matter of fact, I demand that all future movies bring in Kevin James for a cameo. Similar to what’s currently happening with Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. Are people allowed to make movies without a Ben Stiller cameo? I think not.
If you want to watch Hitch, I would recommend just skipping to all of the hilarious Kevin James parts, and leaving Will Smith in 1996 where he was famous, funny, and successful. Has he done anything worth seeing since The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire? Oh man, I hope it’s not The Phresh Prince of Bel Aire, because then everyone would know that I’m a white guy from Alberta. How embarrassing. I feel like such an idiot, gosh. Will Smith’s movies have all been so terrible that I wouldn’t even waste a “famous” B-actor’s visage for a rating. Well, maybe that guy who made all of the silly sound effects in Spaceballs and Police Academy. Then again, maybe not. That dude is hilarious.
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