Ah yes, the trophy of the urban housewife, the SUV. I remember a time when everyone’s Mom drove a mini-van and they were proud of it. My mom drove a 1978 Grand Prix most of my childhood, and that was pretty cool.

The SUV however is not, and that’s why it gets one of a possible five Johnny Fives:

I hate SUVs with the white hot passion of a million burning suns. If there is any one indication that I would have to pick in order to prove that our society is in decline, I would choose the SUV. Not only are they completely useless, and utterly stupid looking; they are also inefficient and unsafe. If you have recently bought an SUV, I would recommend selling it now, because sometime really soon you won’t be able to give it away.

What are the pros of SUV ownership? You have lots of leg room, and you sit up high. Often they are four wheel drive, and you have excellent ground clearance. Not to mention the raw power flowing forth from your massive engine. If only all of those things weren’t completely superfluous, and widely available in better, more efficient, cars.

Now the cons:

• SUVs are the most highly inefficient cars on the road. A Ford Explorer can travel 5.5km on one litre of gas. Today in Edmonton, gas costs 102.9¢ per litre. I believe that the gas tank in a Ford Explorer can hold around 100L. So for $102.90 you can drive around 550km. Comparatively, my Pontiac Vibe has around a 45L gas tank. On my last tank of gas I drove 520km on 39L of fuel. Let’s boil it down then: It costs me 7.7¢ to drive one kilometer. It costs an SUV owner 18.7¢ to drive the same kilometer. I drive around 25,000km per year. This costs me $1925/year. It would cost an SUV owner $4675. You are paying $2750/year for leg room. I am 6′8″, and I fit comfortably into my Pontiac Vibe.
• If you think 102.9¢/L is a lot, you are in for a big surprise. Developing countries such as China, Korea, and India account for almost 40% of the world’s population. They aren’t yet as developed as the United States, but they are getting there. Fast. To put things into perspective, The United States accounts for around 5% of the worlds population, and they consume almost 25% of the worlds oil. If China, Korea, and India were to consume oil at the same rate, per capita, as the United States, oil consumption would increase almost 200%. Many people think this will happen within the next decade. Oil companies are saying that there is absolutely no way they can match that level of demand. There are not currently enough refineries, plants, or reserves to match that demand, nor are there enough currently in prodution to meet this need.What happens when the demand for a product vastly outweighs the supply? It’s been a while since I took ECON 101, but let me take a stab at it. The price goes up. WAY up. If you think 102.9¢/L is a lot, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I promise you that gas will be over $2/L within two years. There is no ceiling, and it will get to a point were it will be almost impossible to afford to drive an SUV. Sell it now. Strike while the iron is hot. Trust me.
• SUVs are ugly. Am I alone in this?
• SUVs aren’t safe. They don’t rate overly well in crash tests and they are prone to rolling over while cornering.
• As a result of their blatant disregard for efficiency they pollute like crazy.
• No one really needs four wheel drive any more. Advances in computer technology have created rear-wheel drive cars that can maintain traction in adverse situations, and get better fuel economy to boot.

Now just take the time to examine you life. Are there any circumstances under which you actually require the use of an SUV? Do you spend a lot of time off-road in the wilderness? Even if you do, there are better options. A truck comes to mind.

SUVs are retarded, and I hate everything they stand for. Ignorance in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are completely useless drives me insane. There’s even a gas-guzzler tax in some areas. It is obscene to me that some people would choose such an ineffective form of transportation, when there are a wealth of excellent alternatives.

My day will come though. Soon enough, people who own SUVs will realize that they can no longer afford to fill them with gas. When they try to sell their monoliths, they will find that there is no longer a market because few people can afford a $40,000 car that costs $500/month to fuel.

A word to the wise, think fuel efficient. Do everything that you can today to slow your use of fossil fuels. I don’t give a rats ass about the environment, because I am of the opinion that it is too late to save it now, but think of it as an investment. By spending a little money today to save energy you will save a lot of money in the future. Just think, right now fuel efficiency isn’t an overly important factor in most people’s purchase. According to CNN, only 30% of car buyers think it is relevant to their car buying decision. There is low demand on efficiency right now. Thus, it is cheap. This will change. Beat the crowds, save a lot of cash. It is just that simple.