Archive for September, 2005
September 30, 2005 at 7:14 am · Filed under General
Have you ever gone to the mail box and discovered that you have been given the gift of a photo radar ticket? You know what it is as soon as you see the envelope labelled “Edmonton Police Service”. Strangely, this is where the similarities in our adventures cease, for while you rant and rave about how unfair photo radar is, and how they set you up to get tickets, I say “crap”, pay the fine, and move on with my life.
I cannot understand why people hate photo radar so much. The speed limit isn’t an approximation, or a recommendation. It’s the law. When people get photo radar tickets, they say the damn dumbest things in order to justify them “well that road should be 60″, “I was travelling with the flow of traffic”, or “I was accelerating to get through a yellow light”. News flash, you’re not supposed to speed, no matter how “good” of a driver you are.
I think what really chaps my ass is when people accuse the police of using photo radar as a money grab. So what if they are? They need the money. It’s not like cops are forcing you to speed at gun point; your car has at least two pedals, one to go and one to stop. If the speed limit is 50 and you’re going 75, lightly depress the ‘brakes’ and your car will slow to the speed limit. This is regardless of hills, terrain, etc. If a cop catches you speeding it is not the cops fault. It’s his job. You pay taxes, which pay his salary, which ensures that he is out there to stop you from endangering other people’s lives with your driving.
The thing that really pisses me off is that people are so hypocritical about the whole situation. If a cop gives you a photo radar ticket you accuse him of inpropriety, and setting up photo radar as a money grab. Yet if someone were to steal your car, you would go running to the cops and get right pissed off when you learn that they don’t have the budget to pursue car theives. Cops can’t win. There aren’t many occupations which I respect more than Police Officers. I would love to be a cop, sadly near blindness and my being physically in shambles prevent this.
When I hear a siren, I pull over to the left. When I see a cop at the side of the road I slow down. If a cop tells me to do something, you had better believe that I’m going to do it. They have tasers, handcuffs, and guns, but that shouldn’t be only reason you respect the police. It is their job to serve and protect our ungratful asses. If catching me speeding helps that effort, so be it, I shouldn’t have been speeding in the first place.
September 29, 2005 at 7:04 am · Filed under General
It’s that time of year again. If you’re Canadian you know that it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it. I rise against it, eager to join into the fray, but ultimately I will fail. I am at work now, and it’s still dark outside. That’s just not cool.
It sneaks up on me every year. One day you have a nice sunny drive to work, the next you’re complaining that the sun is in your eyes. That’s the warning sign. The Sun is our friend, and on those days it is saying dude, it’s getting darker earlier. Why don’t you just go dig a hole and hibernate? I’ll let you know when it’s safe to come out again. I never listen to the Sun. Honestly, I would if I could. Now when I drive, it’s dark out.
There is nothing I would like more than to go to sleep in September, then wake up in March. Sure I’d miss Christmas, but I could just send out my cards a little early this year. It would have to be a multi-occasional style card; something along the lines of a Happy Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year/and possibly Easter card. Easter is always a wild card, I can never figure out when it’s coming, and when it happens I’m always a little surprised. If Easter celebrates the death and resurrection of Jesus shouldn’t it fall on the same day every year? I’m sure that Hallmark makes a card for this. There are a lot of lazy/hibernating people out there.
Maybe I’ll sleep all winter in a glass booth. That way I can charge people admission to watch my peaceful slumber. Then I don’t have to worry about the inevitable loss of income that comes with a seven month nap. Hell, I could probably build a pretty sweet website and wire up a few webcams to broadcast around the clock. That would be pretty cool. You would pay to support my dream wouldn’t you?
I would have to be pretty heavily sedated in order to stay sleeping that long. Or arrange for a coma. Comas are tricky though, because usually when people are in a coma they’ve just pulled through a near death experience. I don’t really want to have to risk my life every September just so that I can sleep all winter, although I bet it would really drive up the ratings on my TV show. Still, drugs are probably a pretty safe alternative. I can just use CG and stuntmen to fake my near death every year. None will be the wiser.
Yet here I am at work, and it’s dark outside. In a few weeks it will be dark out when I leave work. Then I will wish for death until the sweet release of spring.
Oh to be a bear. King of the forest, all the berries and deer you can eat, kinky bear sex, and a long nap through winter. When God was handing out jobs, people got screwed… or rather, they screwed themselves if you were paying attention. Stupid ancestors. I would far rather be living a blissfully eternal life in a garden, free from toil. Toil sucks. Winter sucks. Dark sucks.
I want to hibernate.
September 27, 2005 at 7:02 am · Filed under General
I was listening to the local alternative radio station here in Edmonton, Sonic, and a Beastie Boys song came on. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a huge Beastie Boys fan, but they do give me some warm/fuzzies as I recall my past. I still remember listening to Ill Communication while on vacation when I was a youngster. It actually prompted my uncle to say “rap music, more like crap music” which was hilarious (because he said crap).
Then I got to thinking. The Beastie Boys are the only rap music that I ever listened to as a youngster. The Beastie Boys are the only rap music played on Sonic. We listen to satellite radio here at work, and there is a station called “Alt Nation”. The only rap they play is by the Beastie Boys.
What makes the Beastie Boys more alternative than other rap bands? If you guessed “they’re white”, I would have to think that you’re correct. That is the only discernible difference that I can see.
I would have to assume most of the blame falls on MTV. Back in the 80’s black people must have been scary. That’s why rap music was really scary. I think that if you were a white person in the 80’s you pretty much assumed that if you heard rap music, it meant that black people were about to kill you. Then along came the Beastie Boys, they were a young bunch of white kids. They weren’t scary at all, one of them was even named Mike, and no one is afraid of a white dude named Mike. And the music really did have a good beat didn’t it. No sir, I will not sleep until Brooklyn, because I fight for my right to par-tay! MTV thought to themselves “hey, here’s something that parents will hate, and as such, teenagers will love”, so they put the Beastie Boys into heavy rotation (this, of course, was while MTV still played music).
This has all led to now, where I, a suburban white kid from Canada, am forced to listen to the Beastie Boys instead of my sad bastard alternative music. I suppose many a boy my age likes the Beastie Boys. From the late 80’s to early 90’s they were the only rap band most of us had ever heard of. Them or Will Smith, but most white kids my age probably don’t know that Will Smith was a rapper before he got a TV show. I didn’t know until I was older.
I must say that I am confused still as to where the distinction lays. I’m not afraid of black people, so really, if you’re going to play rap, play rap that I like more than the Beastie Boys. I promise that my parents will still hate it. But seemingly Sonic is afraid of black people, or at least afraid of black rappers. They could play Eminem I suppose, but he’s friends with black people, so you wouldn’t want to risk a black person accidentally making his way onto friendly alternative radio.
September 21, 2005 at 2:57 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
I am not patient. I try to be, I honestly do, but there are some things I simply cannot tolerate. Among these things are: waiting to get off an airplane, waiting for a waitress to take my drink order, and waiting for a train. I loathe trains and all that they stand for. As if that can possibly be the most efficient manner to transport anything anymore. I whole heartedly believe the train to be both obsolete and annoying. It is such that, today when I got stuck waiting for a train, I had a near aneurysm.
I have to cross three sets of train tracks on my route from work to home. Three. This cannot be necessary. Edmonton, for those who don’t know this, is laid out on a grid. 90% of the roads in Edmonton head either north/south, or west/east. Therefore, any train passing through Edmonton should be able to take either a north/south track or a east/west track. This should be even more efficient as there is only one company, CN rail, which operates on these tracks. But, for no reason which I can discern, there are many track criss-crossing all across this crap city. It is baffling.
That being said, when a train does decide to make its way across Edmonton, it completely ass rapes traffic along its route. Thus, during any given week I will be involved in no fewer than two ass rapings courtesy of CN rail. It’s to a point now where when I heard of a CN rail train derailing and dumping pollutants into lake Wabamum (sp?) I thought to myself “good, maybe someone will realize trains are useless and shut them down.”
So I’m heading to work today and the lights at the train track start to flash. I take this to mean “step on it and beat the train.” The car in front of me, obviously being driven by someone who needs a good hard smack, actually stops. We sit for 15 seconds watching the train approach; I am filled with rage.
We wait for TWENTY DAMN MINUTES until the train passes. I have a minor stroke.
The real kick in the ass is that after the train had finally passed we had to wait another minute before the gate rose and we could drive by. If fury could be expressed numerically, mine would require scientific notation.
I actually regret that I didn’t pull into oncoming traffic and rip across the tracks when the dickweed in front of me stopped for no damn reason. Next time; train dodge. Dig it.
September 16, 2005 at 1:11 pm · Filed under General
My commute to work was threatening to tear at the very fabric of my being. It should be a fifteen minute drive, where in actuality it usually takes at least 40 during rush hour. This has lead to much frustration in my life, for surely there must be a faster route. I have scoured the city to little avail; more often than not my shortcuts take quite a bit longer.
I have come to accept this, and as such reached a zen like state during my commute. I simply turn off my brain and enjoy some down time to and from work. This was working great until this morning I had a realization.
I have no idea how I get to work and back home. I know the route that I take, and I know that I drive, but I have no memories of the event. I literally just shut my brain down and cruise in on autopilot.
If you have a newish car/stereo maybe you’ve noticed that rather than displaying the FM frequency, radio stations are now able to show their names instead. The other day I was driving home, and while I was driving I was occupying myself by trying to find a decent song on the radio. I settled on Joe FM because they were playing “Never Surrender” by Corey Hart. Joe FM plays that song at least 16 times per day. Then I noticed it, rather than saying Joe FM my car radio read: “Don’t say”.
Odd I thought.
Then it changed: “Hello”.
Interesting. “Say I”, “listen to”, “Joe FM”. Awesome. Another brilliant way to force advertisements at me. So I’m watching this rotate through its message a few times, when I decide to check to make sure the road is still out there. OHMYGODACARANDIHAVETOSTOP.
I do not hit the car, but it is very close. Can you imagine explaining to the police and the giant line up of cars stuck behind me that I crashed because I was reading my radio. Terrible.
I must have gone at least a minute without even looking at the road. I am a hazard. When I’m not reading my radio, it’s billboards, bus stops, or store fronts. I’ll look at anything but the road in order to pass the time and avoid the inevitable road rage that comes with any long commute through traffic.
I need to find another way to avoid insanity before I kill myself and others.
September 15, 2005 at 12:42 pm · Filed under General
What I’ve eaten today:
- 1 bowl of Vector cereal
- 2 sticks of pepperoni
- 1 granola bar
- 1/2 cup of frozen mangos & peaches
Number of websites I was building 2 days ago: 1
Number of websites I’m building today: 5
Number of times Dreamweaver has crashed: 4
Time I arrive at work if I leave my home by 7:30: 8:00
Time I arrive at work if I leave my home by 7:15: 7:30
Kilometers from my home to work: ~5
Dollar amount of gas I put in my car: $42
Last movie I watched: Hostage featuring Bruce Willis
Last movie I thought was worse than malaria: Hostage featuring Bruce Willis
Hours spent playing video games in the last week: 2
Current temperature: 6 degrees Celcius
Current Mood: Grumpy and hungry
Number of friends of mine who live in Edmonton: 2
Number of friends of mine who have recently left Edmonton: 3
Cost of a Nikon D70: $1500
Money I still need to save to buy a Nikon D70: $1500
Number of times I’ve been audited by Tax Canada: 1
Number of things I hate more than Tax Canada: 0
Number of ideas I had for my blog today: 0
September 14, 2005 at 12:40 pm · Filed under General
Ever have a day where everything that you do is done by a complete moron. You wake up and look in the mirror, and there is a moron staring back at you.
“What are you doing here moron? Who let you in?” But it’s too late. He’s here, and he is here to stay.
You do your thing in the morning, but you don’t eat, because you slept in like a moron. Only smart people wake up in time to eat.
So you drive to work, and being a moron arrive 15 minutes late. You try to start working on whatever it is you’re after, but the moron keeps interrupting you.
“Hey dude, change the station, this song sucks.”
“What’s the name of that guy who did that stuff?”
“When you rushed out this morning because your wife was late with the car did you close the garage door?”
Stupid moron. You are able to get some stuff done, but it’s a constant battle against stupidity. Then the moron reminds you that you have a warranty meeting at you house at one and you have to take a late lunch. Luckily, being the moron that you are, you slept through breakfast and are starving.
You leave for your meeting and get stuck waiting for a train. Being an impatient moron, you get frustrated and turn around to try an alternative route and get stuck in traffic. As a result of this decision, you are forced to skip buying something to eat in order to make it to the meeting on time.
You arrive home, starving and late for the meeting. At least you can take solace in the fact that you forgot to go grocery shopping last night, the moron that you are, and as a result all you have for available for lunch are some stale nacho chips (baked), and a stick of pepperoni. That ought to tide you over until dinner though.
Being a moron it never occurred to you to ask what this warranty meeting was all about, so it comes as a great surprise when, after the meeting, people come into your house and start fixing all the stuff you just complained about.
So you’re trapped at your house, there are strangers working and you have to be back at work. Do you a) call you office and explain the situation, or b) run around like a moron making sure that people are doing stuff right and being a pain in the ass? Remember now, you are a moron.
Your boss calls when you’re two hours late coming back from lunch and tells you that you shouldn’t bother coming in for the rest of the afternoon. This can’t be all that bad can it? The moron says no.
So you haven’t really eaten all day. The strangers have all left, and you house is in a state of disrepair. You could eat and then tidy up, or you could clean up and forget to eat. It’s a pretty obvious decision.
After you’re done cleaning up, you are freaking starving and don’t forget, you forgot to get groceries. You eat the five day old spaghetti that had been left out over night that was too gross to eat at lunch. This makes more sense that going out for a bite to eat because you are a moron.
I am honestly surprised that I didn’t choke on my own tongue while I slept. At least today I get to deal with all of the consequences of turning my brain off for a day.
September 8, 2005 at 10:25 am · Filed under General
My parents have been visiting from Australia for the last month. They’ve been staying with my wife and I in our new house, and it’s been pretty fun. Lot’s of meals out, watching tennis, and playing late night games of dominos.
Today they are leaving for Australia, so for one last hurrah we went out for a big family dinner at The Outback. We’re a big eating, steak loving kind of family, so The Outback seemed like an ideal choice. We were seated in a booth for seven, ordered our drink and were joking chatting and having fun.
At the table next to ours was a group of about 20 people who were having some type of golf & dinner company function. As our drinks arrived, the boss stood up to make a few announcements.
“Okay” I thought “he’ll make his announcement, they’ll clap, he’ll sit down and I can go back to ignoring them.”
I don’t know what the hell these people do for a living, but if that guy is the boss, I feel sorry for them. He prattled on and on about nothing for like 10 minutes. At no time did he ever venture into any territory that I would label as “Important Enough to Bother Saying.”
I was unimpressed.
Then he starts calling up every person at the table to give them their “gag” gift from the golf tournament. I use the word gag loosely, as the word itself implies that the presents were somehow humorous. They were not. Rather, they made me want to either a) throw up, or b) punch that dude in the face. One lady he called up, who was a bit of a fatty, was given the gag gift of a banana holder. The joke was “I’ve noticed that you bring your lunch to work, and that you’ll never go out with us, so I got you this to keep you banana from getting bruised.”
. . . BWAHAHAHAHAHA, oh man, that’s the best joke ever. The way you made fun of the fat lady for her decision to eat healthy and save money, it was priceless! And we all know how she hates bruised fruit! BURN! Eat it fatty, and I don’t mean a banana! Great joke John, you’re super!
Oh and let’s not forget the married couple from the office who received a series of sexually explicit joke posters and books. Way to maintain the bounds of appropriate office behavior and acceptable restaurant decorum. Bravo! It’s not like there are families with children sitting all around you, or people who just want to enjoy their meal and not listen to you prattle on like a complete imbecile.
It’s not like he was receiving a warm reception from his coworkers either. Polite laughter all around. Not one genuine laugh.
At this point my brother and I had had enough. We started laughing obnoxiously at all of his jokes, and saying stuff like “a banana holder!? Isn’t that hi-freaking-larious?” After forty minutes of this lifeless debacle, he finally wrapped it up.
Someone from the office party said “great job John, where did you find all of this stuff?”
I replied “John, you are a living God. It would be my honor to cup your balls while you take a leak.”
Which prompted my brother to say “sorry, I could hear you because my head is up John’s ass.”
Me and my brother thought this was hilarious. The rest of our table just kind of shook their heads.
If I ever worked for a tool like that, you can bet that 90% of my day would be spent sharpening up my resume for the inevitable job hunt after I choke John to death. I thought that people like that existed soley in the realm of television and movies. I’ve never actually witnessed the trainwreck in progress.
It was obvious to me that he didn’t actually know any of his co-workers, and that he had never had a conversation with any of them which didn’t involve work, weather, or sports. I am so lucky that my job involves none of that nonsense, because it would drive me to homicide.
September 7, 2005 at 1:16 pm · Filed under General
The closer that one is to an embarrassing event, the more they themselves feel embarrassed.Have you ever noticed this to be true? I didn’t invent the concept, but I certainly do prescribe to it. For example, the other night I went to karaoke, and let me tell you, karaoke is the lifeforce of the circle of embarrassment.
Was I embarrassed when my brother sang “Baby got back”? Not really. He’s pretty hilarious, and frankly, he did a pretty good job.
Was it my Mom and wife in a mildly intoxicated ’singing’ contest? I’m pretty sure that the mild intoxication predicates terrible karaoke. It’s clouds before a storm, if you drink too much, you’ll end up singing, end of story. There’s nothing embarrassing about that, you’re not doing something that everyone else isn’t.
No, I’m afraid that it was the guy who thought he was good, but really, really wasn’t.
If you know this guy, tell him he can’t sing. Ask him to stop. I can’t handle his circle of embarrassment, it makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to hide under the table. It forces me to close my eyes and look away. I cannot bear his burden any longer, it is unimaginable to me how he can continue, song after song, as if nothing is the matter.
