Archive for October, 2005
October 31, 2005 at 8:35 pm · Filed under General
I’ve started my new job, and all seems well. So far my take on the new job is that it is cold. Extremely cold; possibly as cold as 16C. I am thinking that a space heater is in order. Unaware of the complete lack of heat, today I wore a button up t-shirt; that was a bad decision.
On my way home from work today I was stalled by two seperate automobile accidents, and one train. A 20 minute voyage drug out to nearly 1 and a half hours. I was unimpressed.
This all has me missing being a stay at home wife. For an entire week my sole responsibility was taking care of my dogs and my wife. Was it a little boring? Yes. Do I miss it? Yes. There is definately something to be said for being a housewife. Sadly we do in fact have a house, and I am obligated to work in order to pay for it.
I wake up every morning and head out into the cold to walk my dogs. Then I sit in my cold office and work all day. Then I drive home through insane traffic so that I can once again head out into the cold and walk my dogs. It’s strange, the things I’m willing to do for money. I liked cooking my wife her lunch and dinner. I liked napping in the morning, and working in the afternoon. I liked not having to commute to work.
In the face of this adversity I realize that I just have to trudge on. Soon, all of the things I hate become routine again. Soon I will be working late, meeting tight deadlines; doing something worthwhile. Soon all of this will just be a part of my day. For now I’m cold and tired. Boourns to the real world. I want to be a housewife.
October 24, 2005 at 8:12 am · Filed under General
Ali works for Capital Health here in Alberta. As she is constantly exposed to God knows what diseases on a daily basis, they like to keep her nice and innoculated; ostensibly for her health, but more likely to keep sick time to a minimum.
At any rate, the other day when she went to work she was informed that it was time to recieve a complimentary flu shot. Now this should be a good thing because this time of year most hospitals are positively crawling with the flu. Why? Because people are stupid and think that they need to go to the emergency ward when that have the flu. I do not know what the purpose of this visit is, as the only advice doctors have ever given to flu patients is, “drink lots of fluids, take some acetomeniphin, and get plenty of bed rest.” It’s not exactly emergency material.
So they stabbed my wife, and shot her full of God knows what in order to prevent her from getting sick. That’s the important part, that Ali not get sick.
That night when Ali got home she said that her arm really hurt where they gave her the shot. It was pretty swollen and quite tender. The next morning she had a decided lack of energy and a really bad head ache. The next day she felt really run down, had a headache, and had swollen lymph nodes.
Now I’m not a doctor, but it seems to me like my wife had the flu this weekend. When I told my wife this she informed me that “they don’t inject the flu, they just inject the antibodies.[She didn't actually say that... she said smart stuff that I paraphrase incorrectly]” But she was the one laying in bed, feeling like crap, so in my opinion her facts lacked substance. My brothers theory was that they forgot to take the flu out of her shot. My theory is that flu shots are stupid. If you’re going to get sick for sure after recieving the shot, I’d rather take my chances with the real flu. I have never had a flu shot, and I cannot remember the last time I had the flu.
Number of times Keith has got the flu despite never getting a flu shot: 0
Number of times Ali has got the flu from a flu shot: 1
The defense rests.
October 19, 2005 at 11:07 pm · Filed under General
Consider my ego stroked. Now there will be no stopping me. Just one week of unemployment and I’ve already had two interviews, both of which went really well. I was considering not returning to work and being a stay at home Dad, but my wife informed me otherwise. As it turns out, we don’t even have kids, who knew? Anyhow, I’ve been offered a job, and I’m going to take it. So much for working on my tan.
My first interview was with a company called STATUSfirm. A much better name than MindTravellers, but to me it sounds like what a NASA engineer would say when describing an erection, “Penile Status: Firm. We are a go for fornication.” I spent an afternoon at the office just to see what goes on around there and it seems like it would be a lot of fun. They do work that is both a) cool, and b) stuff I haven’t done before.
My interview there was hilarious. It started off in pretty typical fashion, or as typical an interview can be when one of the people interviewing you is Dave Nedohin (World Champion Curler from Alberta). I am a curling fan, for this I blame my parents, so that was pretty cool. At one point in the interview Dave asked me “what do you think your strengths are?” and I replied “I do a good job, and I do it real fast like.”
Well as it turns out that with every interview, they have a test they like to put applicants through to see how they perform under pressure. Basically they gave me a client sheet, some jpegs, and a computer and told me to build as much of a website as I could in one hour. To quantify this, a simple website usually takes 40 hours, give or take. More or less, I threw down some crap about how awesome I am, and they totally called me on it. Crud.
So I sit down and begin building frantically. After about 30 minutes of this, someone comes up to me and says “we’re going to add five minutes on to your timer so that you can come meet Paul Coffey.”
What? No. What? Did I hear that correctly? Paul Coffey? What the hell kind of interview is this? So I walk into a room, and there he is, Paul Coffey, just standing there talking to Dave Nedohin about curling. So I meet Paul Coffey, then I have to go back to the computer and round out my one hour website.
After all of that, I sat down with again and had one last chat, then I was out the door with a job offer on the table. I was so whacked out on adrenaline, stress, and excitement that I was practically vibrating. That was one of the most over-stimulating experiences of my life. I mean, going into a job interview there’s always some stress involved, but stacking on meeting Dave Nedohin and Paul Coffey, combined with having to frantically work to prove my skill set, and you have one high strung Keith.
I told my Father-in-law and he said “you probably shouldn’t take the job because it pretty much has to be all downhill from there.” Hopefully he’s not right.
October 14, 2005 at 8:15 am · Filed under General
My recent move into the realm of the unemployed has left me with a pile of stories a mile long, but a decided lack of ambition to tell them. Some part of me, deep down where I don’t like to talk about, would feel bad about bad mouthing my employer. Even though it is now my former employer. That being said, I still feel that it is pertinent to share the story of why I quit my job.
I worked in a small office, I did all of the programming, designing, etc. My boss’s wife did sales and marketing, and my boss just kind of did his thing. The new guy, Matt, did the same stuff as I did, just on a smaller scale. We were coming up to a tight deadline on a large project. The site needed to be done by Friday, but we had recieved most of the content the previous thursday. This had left me scrambling to complete the site on time.
Wednesday night I was working late in order to make sure that I would be on pace to finish the site for Thursday, when Gary knocked on the door. Gary owns the company which is housed in the office next to ours. The way the office building was set up is that there was a hallway door, then two offices down the hall, ours and Gary’s. Gary explained to me that he was having his office door refinished and that he was going to have to put a lock on the hallway door. He stopped by to give me a key so that I could get in the next morning.
I had planned to come in a little early the next morning so that no one would be left in the hallway, but first I had to drop my dogs off to be groomed. I showed up at the groomers at 7:15 hoping that they would open a little early so that I could be to work in order to let everyone in. At 7:40 the groomers showed up, 10 minutes late, and I had to race to work in order to be on time. I arrived at my office at 7:58, two minutes early for work.
Now my boss usually shows up for work at around 8:15, on that day he had arrived at 7:20 to find himself locked out. It is important to note that he had not been at the office that early in months. When I arrived and produced the key, this was seen as the most traitorous of offenses, and I was severly reprimanded for not calling him to tell him I had the key. I am not one to arbitrarily take crap, so I pointed out that 1) he is never at work that early so, 2) I had no reason to expect him to be there, so no reason to call him and, 3) I had planned to come in early, but I had to drop my dogs off at the groomer.
He responded that “your dogs are your problem, and it’s irresponsible to let your personal life get in the way of your work.” This is when I lost my temper. Need I point out that I showed up for work on time? Or that the only reason I had a key was because I was working late, on my personal time. Needless to say the fight escalated until my boss had to go to work (he has a job that has nothing to do with web development). I was pissed off. First and foremost, pretty much anything is more important that my job: my family, my friends, my house, and my dogs. So when asked to drop the dogs off to be groomed, as opposed to showing up for work early after working late, it was a no brainer. To take shit for that is fairly unforgivable.
The next day I went in to allow my boss the opportunity to apologize for being so irrational and get back on track. He continued to berate me, and talk to me like I was retarded for not understanding his flawed logic. Like why didn’t I just drive the key over to his house that evening. Hmm, could it be that I have a life outside of work, and occasionally I like to live it as opposed to driving to St. Albert to give someone a key when I’m always the first one in the office anyways?
As the storm raged on, I started to think to myself that this was retarded. For the past month my boss had been a complete dick, from the time he nearly crapped on me when I reminded him that it was pay day, to the time he lost his temper on Matt for doing exactly what he had asked him to do. This wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t going to just sit here a listen to one more word about my “lack of commitment” to the company when I was the one working late just to set off this powder keg. If anyone was lacking a commitment to the company, it was my boss. He hadn’t been to work early, or came in for an evening in weeks. He would show up after 8, call a meeting where he would toss around some football analogies and tell Matt and I that we needed to give 110% (which is impossible, in this office we obey the laws of thermodynamics!) then go off to work. He totally shrugged off all of his responsibilities, for instance, he was supposed to write some content for one of our clients so that we could finish the site, and 4 weeks later we were still waiting. He would give poor Matt things to do, but in the most overtly vaugue fashion imaginable. Matt would ask me “what the hell am I supposed to do?” and I would have to answer “I don’t know.” It was around this time that I decided I really should quit.
Finally Matt interjected and told my boss “this is over a key, you’re being an idiot” and my boss stormed out of the room, real mature like. I was done. I couldn’t take another day of it. I couldn’t hear “this is good, but it needs more wow” one more time. I could no longer be asked to give 110%. I would never again do 23 designs for any one thing only to settle on one, then completely start over again the next day. I would never build another page, then rebuild it because we had a “better” idea. I found the limit to the amount of shit I’m willing to put up with, and my boss had crossed it, so when he came back and tried to resume his bitching, I walked out.
NOTE: I went back after the weekend when I was no longer pissed off and offered my two weeks like a grown up, my boss said they would be fine like a child. They aren’t fine. Matt has given his notice now because he a) doesn’t know how to do everything that I would have shown him over time, and b) can no longer stand the work environment. The company is now in real trouble because Matt’s departure leaves no one there who knows how to do the work. I want to write my boss an email and offer up “maybe you should rethink the environment you’re creating if no one wants to work for you,” but that feels like a small thing for me to do. I honestly don’t wish them any ill will, but man am I glad that I no longer have to put up with that crap.
October 12, 2005 at 9:19 am · Filed under General
So I was talking with my buddy Corey yesterday about my newfound joblessness, and how that it’s generally pretty crappy how things had to end. Corey was being cool and making me feel better.
Now I have an amazing ability to forget almost anything immediately after it happened. For instance, I had completely forgotten that whenever I would get frustrated at work I would bitch to Corey.
For example, when my boss was redesigning our website and the designs he was coming up with were beyond terrible, I would email a small JPEG to my buddy so that he could share in my frustration. Yesterday, when I was feeling grumpy, Corey emailed back some of those JPEGs, and I’ll tell you what. I felt a crapload better. It turns out that when I really think about it, I didn’t enjoy working there a majority of the time. I just forgot. It’s both a blessing and a curse.
Now, I was going to post some of the designs that cheered me up, but that feels mean spirited so I won’t. Rest assured that they are truly terrible and if you saw them it would change you life, like it did mine.
So this is a big thanks to Corey. I don’t care what all of the other kids say, you’re alright.
October 11, 2005 at 9:53 am · Filed under General
After an impressive one (1) years (s) of employment I have quit my job. I stoods all I could stands, and I can’t stand no more. Long story short, if you’re in the mood to hire a web developer, I’m a good choice!
All of this has left me in the unfortunate situation of having to update my resume and hit the job market. This is not my favorite thing in the world to be doing. Actually, it’s probably my least favorite. I really prefer it when jobs find me, as they are somewhat prone to doing. I’ve only ever gone out and found one job in my entire life. and I didn’t much like it.
The thing is that I really like what I do for a living, and I’m really good at it, but I didn’t like doing it at my old job. I had to deal with too much crap and insanity. I think the piece de resistance was that when I quit my boss changed all of the locks. I have never heard of an employer doing that before. It does make me question the image I project to the world. Do I really come off as the type to quit a job, then rob the bastards blind? I wouldn’t think so, but I’ve been wrong before.
I think the real litmus test to this entire episode in my life is that I feel good. I’m happy that I don’t have to go back to work there. I feel kind of bad for them, because I was the only employee for the last year, and the new guy doesn’t know how anything works. I offered to stay on and help the guy out, but I was rebuked. I’m okay with that because I’ve got a lot of stuff on my plate, but Matt is a cool guy and I hate to leave him in the lurch.
I really want to rant and rave and go into detail about all of the stuff that pissed me off, but I won’t. I will say that I worked for MindTravellers Inc. for over a year and I never got over being embarrassed every time someone asked me who I work for. The jokes were inevitable, “what, do you do drugs and make websites?” I also hate that we always called ourselves “MindTravellers Inc,” Dammit, the inc is completely unnecessary! No one is impressed that we threw down the $100 to incorporate our business. And I freaking HATED our website. It is ugly and Halloween colored. Luckily I did not design it. I could go on, and on, and on, but I won’t. I honestly thought my boss was a really good guy (prior to the insanity) and I wish them all the best. I’m just glad I won’t be along for the ride, because I was getting car sick.
October 6, 2005 at 1:53 pm · Filed under General
A few years back my buddy Sean and I were talking about the state of music. At the time, bands like Creed, Nickelback, and other such filth were ruling the roost in the rock & roll world. This upset the both of us, as we were both quite sick of said bands. We actually coined the phrase Theoryofanickelfault to describe those types of bands.
During one conversation my buddy Sean decided that every singer from those bands must be a huge Cher fan, and that’s why they sing the way they do. I thought that was about the funniest thing I had every heard in my entire life, so I laughed and laughed. Then we began to reminisce about the good old days, where rock was rockin’, and singing was high. Not just normal high, no sir, cocaine high.
Having never tried cocaine I cannot truly testify to the validity of this phenomenon, however I do have some strong circumstantial evidence. Exhibit a: Bon Jovi. Listen to the song Runaway, we all know that Jon was coked out of his gourd back in those days, and you can really hear it. The best part is that just when you think that there’s no way he could ever sing any higher, there’s a key shift! You just know that when Jon used to sing that live that he would have to sneak a bump off of some tarts cleavage in order to reach those unreachable highs.
Now listen to Always, the greatest love song ever written. Sure he sings kinda high, but he’s almost a baritone in comparison to how he sang Runaway. And I know what you’re thinking, “Keith, it probably wasn’t the cocaine, it was his pants!” I once thought that too, but….
Elton John never wore tight jeans (I hope). Back in the day when he was coked up and straight, he sang bastard high. Listen to Rocketman and tell me that’s not some high singing. Nowadays when he performs live he has to change the way he sings that song because he can’t hit the uber-high notes anymore. The reason? No cocaine.
So for the record, today’s lesson is: Cocaine is good. Thank you, and good night.
October 4, 2005 at 7:07 am · Filed under General
Just like any healthy person, I like to play video games quite a bit. If I play a little more than you’re average person, so be it, I am by no means in the danger zone. I will readily admit that I game often, and that I am probably a better gamer than most people out there. I only point this out because when I played Madden 2006, it seemed like it was the first time I ever picked up a controller. I would give this game none of a possible five John Madden heads, but it’s early and I don’t feel like photoshopping that enormous, fat, head of his.
Recently it seems that video games have lost their way. Gone are the days of ‘fun’ or ‘different’ games, they have been replaced by sequels, movie tie-ins, and low budget crap. Now I own Madden ‘97, and that was a really fun game. I’m pretty sure that the games go back to at least 1993, because that’s the first one I played. This means that Madden 2006 is the 14th Madden game. Can anyone in the world think of a single video game, movie, or anything else that really hits its peak around the 14th sequel? Me either.
Madden’s problem is that it replaces fun with ‘realism’. I use the quotes because the game is nowhere near realistic. Seemingly, to the fine folks at EA Sports ‘realistic’ is synonymous with ‘complicated’. Just throwing the ball, which you think would be a common tactic, requires a baffling series of button presses, analog sequences, and screams of “THROW THE DAMN BALL!” If you’re lucky enough to toss it away before you are sacked, which is rare, you can rest assured that the ball will be intercepted. Why? Because all of the players can run about six times faster than you can throw the ball. Thus, every time you throw the ball more than ten yards, you can count on there being at least 4 people there to catch it. It’s retarded.
Even more retarded is the running game. After running full tilt into the opposing line I realized that there are about 20 different jukes, dodges, straight-arms, and spins that you can do. Of course you must first channel the force, gather your chi, and pray to Jesus for reflexes beyond reflexes, otherwise you’ll just get tackled. Luckily for me, I gave up on this, and in doing so realized something rad. If you don’t touch any buttons, the computer will take over and run for you. And let me tell you something about the computer, it can run the ball like nobody’s business. I was getting touchdown after touchdown, my running back was like a gazelle, flipping and dodging, running with the greatest of ease. It was awesome. Awesome until I realized that I was no longer playing a video game, but rather, watching as the computer played for me. Fun.
Once I realized that throwing was too hard, and running was impossible if not automated, I figured I would give the ‘create a player’ feature a try. It’s gay. First you pick your parents from a bunch of presets like “your Dad is a hand model, and your Mom was a gymnast.” Yeah, because those are common occupations. Then you have to take an IQ test which tests only your ability to decipher number sequences and memorize obscure NFL rules. Then you get drafted and head off to training camp. All of this is about as much fun as taking a real IQ test, then watching the NFL draft.
At training camp you set out to improve your player. You do this by running plays, and receiving points based on your performance. For every yard you run, you get 1 point. For every yard you throw the ball you get 1 point. If you fail to gain yardage, you lose points. I got up to around 70 points. Then I threw an interception, for -150pts. That interception came at somewhere around my 30th play. So going in to my 31st play, I was -80 points.
I shut the game off, and took it back. What a pile of crap.
