Just like any healthy person, I like to play video games quite a bit. If I play a little more than you’re average person, so be it, I am by no means in the danger zone. I will readily admit that I game often, and that I am probably a better gamer than most people out there. I only point this out because when I played Madden 2006, it seemed like it was the first time I ever picked up a controller. I would give this game none of a possible five John Madden heads, but it’s early and I don’t feel like photoshopping that enormous, fat, head of his.
Recently it seems that video games have lost their way. Gone are the days of ‘fun’ or ‘different’ games, they have been replaced by sequels, movie tie-ins, and low budget crap. Now I own Madden ‘97, and that was a really fun game. I’m pretty sure that the games go back to at least 1993, because that’s the first one I played. This means that Madden 2006 is the 14th Madden game. Can anyone in the world think of a single video game, movie, or anything else that really hits its peak around the 14th sequel? Me either.
Madden’s problem is that it replaces fun with ‘realism’. I use the quotes because the game is nowhere near realistic. Seemingly, to the fine folks at EA Sports ‘realistic’ is synonymous with ‘complicated’. Just throwing the ball, which you think would be a common tactic, requires a baffling series of button presses, analog sequences, and screams of “THROW THE DAMN BALL!” If you’re lucky enough to toss it away before you are sacked, which is rare, you can rest assured that the ball will be intercepted. Why? Because all of the players can run about six times faster than you can throw the ball. Thus, every time you throw the ball more than ten yards, you can count on there being at least 4 people there to catch it. It’s retarded.
Even more retarded is the running game. After running full tilt into the opposing line I realized that there are about 20 different jukes, dodges, straight-arms, and spins that you can do. Of course you must first channel the force, gather your chi, and pray to Jesus for reflexes beyond reflexes, otherwise you’ll just get tackled. Luckily for me, I gave up on this, and in doing so realized something rad. If you don’t touch any buttons, the computer will take over and run for you. And let me tell you something about the computer, it can run the ball like nobody’s business. I was getting touchdown after touchdown, my running back was like a gazelle, flipping and dodging, running with the greatest of ease. It was awesome. Awesome until I realized that I was no longer playing a video game, but rather, watching as the computer played for me. Fun.
Once I realized that throwing was too hard, and running was impossible if not automated, I figured I would give the ‘create a player’ feature a try. It’s gay. First you pick your parents from a bunch of presets like “your Dad is a hand model, and your Mom was a gymnast.” Yeah, because those are common occupations. Then you have to take an IQ test which tests only your ability to decipher number sequences and memorize obscure NFL rules. Then you get drafted and head off to training camp. All of this is about as much fun as taking a real IQ test, then watching the NFL draft.
At training camp you set out to improve your player. You do this by running plays, and receiving points based on your performance. For every yard you run, you get 1 point. For every yard you throw the ball you get 1 point. If you fail to gain yardage, you lose points. I got up to around 70 points. Then I threw an interception, for -150pts. That interception came at somewhere around my 30th play. So going in to my 31st play, I was -80 points.
I shut the game off, and took it back. What a pile of crap.
