A few years back my buddy Sean and I were talking about the state of music. At the time, bands like Creed, Nickelback, and other such filth were ruling the roost in the rock & roll world. This upset the both of us, as we were both quite sick of said bands. We actually coined the phrase Theoryofanickelfault to describe those types of bands.

During one conversation my buddy Sean decided that every singer from those bands must be a huge Cher fan, and that’s why they sing the way they do. I thought that was about the funniest thing I had every heard in my entire life, so I laughed and laughed. Then we began to reminisce about the good old days, where rock was rockin’, and singing was high. Not just normal high, no sir, cocaine high.

Having never tried cocaine I cannot truly testify to the validity of this phenomenon, however I do have some strong circumstantial evidence. Exhibit a: Bon Jovi. Listen to the song Runaway, we all know that Jon was coked out of his gourd back in those days, and you can really hear it. The best part is that just when you think that there’s no way he could ever sing any higher, there’s a key shift! You just know that when Jon used to sing that live that he would have to sneak a bump off of some tarts cleavage in order to reach those unreachable highs.

Now listen to Always, the greatest love song ever written. Sure he sings kinda high, but he’s almost a baritone in comparison to how he sang Runaway. And I know what you’re thinking, “Keith, it probably wasn’t the cocaine, it was his pants!” I once thought that too, but….

Elton John never wore tight jeans (I hope). Back in the day when he was coked up and straight, he sang bastard high. Listen to Rocketman and tell me that’s not some high singing. Nowadays when he performs live he has to change the way he sings that song because he can’t hit the uber-high notes anymore. The reason? No cocaine.

So for the record, today’s lesson is: Cocaine is good. Thank you, and good night.