Archive for November, 2005
November 27, 2005 at 11:45 am · Filed under General
I long ago made a vow that I would not purchase any product that is the victim of a terrible marketing campaign. For instance, I refuse to eat at Mr. Sub to this very day because their marketing is so impressively retarded it causes one to question the value of human life.
I’ve been taught that it takes at least seven impressions of an item before you’re willing to buy it. Basically, if you buy something, chances are that you’ve seen something advertising it at least seven times prior to that purchase. In my mind it only seems logical that if those seven impressions are favorable and I buy something because people are telling me I should; then to be fair I should refuse to buy anything where my impression is unfavorable.
Where does all of this lead? Straight to the Xbox360. I honestly didn’t want one. I bought the original Xbox shortly after it came out for an absurd amount of money, and then waited an entire year before any good games came out. Then before I knew it, there were tones of great games and the system only cost about $2. In the end I had paid a lot more money so that I could play Halo for a year. I refuse to make that mistake again, so I told myself I would wait at least one year prior to buying the Xbox360.
So imagine my surprise when, on November 22, I practically begged my wife to let me buy one. There I was, just minding my own business and helping my Mom choose a new laptop computer when WHAM! There it was, my seventh impression of the Xbox360. Amidst all of the hype regarding the scarcity of the 360, I could see one. And not that cheap ass core model either. No sir, this was the full meal deal. I wanted it. Bad. It was so sexy sitting there, in it’s little white box. Looking at me all “you know you want me.”
“Damn you 360! You stay away from me! I’ve been hurt before!” I said.
“But I’m different this time. I have a strong lineup of launch titles, and Xbox Live is functional right out of the box.”
“You say that you’ve changed Xbox, and I want to believe you. I loved you once, but you hurt me too deeply. I can’t risk it happening again. My heart couldn’t take it.”
“But IronKeith, I’ve changed! If you buy me today it can be just like it used to be. You can play for hours on end. Look at my sleek curves and ergonomic controller. You must be able to tell that this time I really mean it!”
“Shhh…. you had me at ‘backwards compatible’.”
Luckily my wife wouldn’t let me buy one. My mean, mean, bully of a wife. I’m just kidding, I really do love my Xbox…. err wife.
November 20, 2005 at 11:40 pm · Filed under General
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said “No one outstares Chuck!” He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts “BAKE” to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
I find that most of these still work when “Chuck Norris” is replaced with “Ironkeith”.
November 19, 2005 at 11:29 am · Filed under General
So my new job is off and running, and things seem to be settling back into a routine. Now that I am no longer running around lost, I finally have time to resume whining.
My new job is great but with one small downside: I have to work the crappiest shift in the building. I’ll chalk it up to “paying my dues” and just work through it. That ought to teach me to be the new guy. At least they’re letting me do a lot of cool stuff, most of which I can’t talk about.
Where I work is fairly convenient, and as such, once I get to work I rarely have to drive to get anywhere. Yesterday I decided to walk over to Wendy’s for a delicious taco salad. The Wendy’s is only about two blocks away from my office, so it’s almost as fast to walk as it would be to drive. Also, if I walk I can totally justify eating a Wendy’s taco salad.
As I approached Wendy’s I saw people drive from the drive through window, then park in the first available stall.
“Odd,” I thought. “They must be checking their order or something.”
But no, they opened up their bags and began eating their meal in the car. I watched them for a while, confused by this strange turn of events, when I noticed that two cars down more people were doing the same thing.
What the hell is up with that? There was a building, no more than 20 feet away from either of them, where they could have sat at a table and enjoyed their meal. When they were done, they could have disposed of their trash, and returned to their cars. It would be all too easy. Instead, they choose to eat in their car, using their lap as a table, with a drink precariously balanced in the fork of their crotch. And when they’re done? Well they have a car full of Wendy’s trash, a ketchup stain on their shirt, and the inevitable spilled drink that gives the outward appearance of incontinence. Nice.
I can only assume the motivation for this action is extreme laziness, because there is no way that eating in your car is more enjoyable than sitting comfortably at a table. People who eat drive through in their car outside of a fast food restaurant must think that walking 20 feet to and from a building is too much work. It’s no wonder that most people are a bunch of tub-a-lards.
If you eat drive through in you car sitting outside of a restaurant, you have problems.
November 3, 2005 at 8:34 am · Filed under General
[aside: I've been on a healthy eating kick lately, five meals a day, all of which are small and healthy. It's been pretty good so far, and it's pretty easy to keep up. That being said, sometimes I get bored with being healthy, so yesterday for lunch I had a Big Mac. Later on, for dinner, I had indian food. I will let you imagination tell the story of what happened to me this morning.]
Every day on my way to work I drive past striking TELUS workers. They’re all out there at 7am, huddled around a burning barrel in the freezing cold weather. That would suck. Every time I drive by them, I think to myself “you guys are stupid. Just go back to work.”
This has made me realize that I would be the worst striker ever. I’d be good for the first day I suppose. We’d have some BBQ, and I’d drink plenty of ‘punch’. I’d yell at scabs, and come up with catchy rhymes. I might even bust out the old acoustic guitar and play some antiestablishment tunes.
Day 2 would bring a different Keith altogether. On day 2 I would be tired, grumpy, and cold. People would light up the fire barrel, and I would go sit in my car with the heater on, possibly honking at passing motorists. Then I would have a nap and go home.
By day 3 I would think that striking is for retards. I would be both tired, cold, and completely unwilling to leave my car. At this point I would go back to work for less money than I left with.
What’s more is that I loathe confrontation, so if I scab were to show up to take my job, I’d be inclined to let him and go find a new job.
On top of all of that, I hate unions, and refuse to ever work for another one. It is my honest opinion that the only people who need unions are the lazy and stupid.
Boo TELUS!
