Archive for December, 2005
December 28, 2005 at 1:47 pm · Filed under General
Why is everyone sick?
Why is there blood when I blow my nose?
What did I just cough up?
This morning I threw up in the shower.
I have heard people say all of the above in the last hour. Why don’t these people stay at home where they can’t infect me. For the record: Keith no longer touches things at work.
December 18, 2005 at 3:17 pm · Filed under General
My parents are in their 50s now, and they’re still spry and fun – but I know that it’s only a matter of time. It’s like a switch flipping, Tuesday I’ll be golfing with Dad; Wednesday he’ll be wearing high pants and reading the obituaries.
How does this happen? What creates old people? I would say ‘age’ but that can’t be that cause. A select few age without insanity. I can only assume it’s boredom that brings them down. Whatever the cause, the result infuriates me.
Reasons I hate old people:
- They constantly complain about trivial things
Now, I like to complain, but usually it’s about genuinely stupid stuff – like the elderly. Old people complain about the stupidest things. ”I can’t believe apples cost $2.49/lb! That’s outrageous!” – no actually, that’s inflation. Are seriously trying to tell me that in 80 years you weren’t able to grasp a basic concept of economics? Do old people not understand that money is actually worthless? Stores only accept it because everyone has agreed on a implied value for colorful paper. The actual cost of an item is completely arbitrary.
- They’re perpetually telling me things I don’t need to know
I once had an old lady tell me that she didn’t like grapes because they gave her diarrhea. “It’s the skins you know.” No! I actually did not know that, nor did I want to. Had you just said “I don’t like grapes” that would have been good for me. I don’t need proof, or the mental image of some creepy old lady blowing ass.
- They Vote
I’m young and I usually vote, unless it’s for something trivial or the outcome is predetermined regardless of my vote. Old people always vote, for everything. Luckily, they’re seldom well informed, somewhat senile, and largely ignorant. Politicians know that old people vote, so much of their policy revolves around the concerns of the elderly. Sadly, the elderly are retarded, and so too are the things which concern them – like prescription drug prices, ‘foreigners’, and social security.
- They’re Slow
I would like to think that if I knew I was close to death I would desperately try to cram as much life as I could into the time I had left. Sadly this logic doesn’t hold water with the elderly. How long does it take you to buy groceries? 20-30 minutes? Not for old people, no sir, for them it is a half a day. Every price is checked and rechecked, every decision mulled over – should I get prune juice or grape juice? Oh God, this decision could alter my whole week! And what’s the difference between a lemon and a lime? I’ve lived 79 years without knowing, but it’s suddenly important enough that I have to ask someone! Uh oh, it’s time to pay, I’d best watch the till like it was a glass of water after 30 years in the desert, bitch over the price of apples, have a bag boy do no fewer than 3 price checks – “I thought they were 3 cents each, not 4!” – demand carry out service, pay with exact change – “how much was that? I know I’ve got a dime somewhere in here… Oh is this a dime? No? Oh, well, it must be in here somewhere” – then stand immediately beside the till and check the values of every item on the receipt to make sure they didn’t charge you for something twice. When a question arises as to the price of apples, do they proceed to customer service? No, they bitch to the cashier who is busy trying to help the people who’ve spent the last 4 days in line waiting for some old bugger to find a quarter.
- Stinky Pee
I don’t understand this one, but if you’ve ever used the bathroom after an old person you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. What the hell are they drinking?
- They Drive
Old people know that they shouldn’t be driving. In a sane society a law would be passed demanding mandatory competency tests for anyone over 60. Sadly only old people vote, so no politician would dare to introduce a policy that would alienate the elderly. Next time you complain about some crazy old lady driving an ’85 Buick LeSabre at 15km/h down the middle of the road realize this: If you didn’t vote, it is entirely your fault.
- Only the stupid ones are still alive
There should be smart old people. It seems logical that if you’re intelligent, age wouldn’t have the power to dumb you down. Sadly, the stress of having lived your entire lives with the endless frustrations of stupid people leads to heart attacks, ulcers, strokes, and suicide. Thus if you’re alive and 75, chances are you got there by being too dumb to realize the burden on society that you are.
I could go on forever with reasons to hate the elderly. I will sum it up with this:
Segregate the Elderly! Vive la Separation!
December 14, 2005 at 1:28 pm · Filed under General
With the impending election I am once again forced to face that fact that there isn’t anyone worth voting for. This makes me wish that I could be PM and change things more to my liking.
The first things I would do if elected Prime Minister of Canada:
- Fire Everybody
And I mean everybody. If you work for the government right now, consider yourself fired. Sure things would be broken for a while, but they would all balance out eventually. I’ve known a lot of people who work for the government, and I’ve never know one who didn’t always brag about how they never actually did anything at work. I’m tired of these people being paid.
- Dissolve the senate and make a real one
Whose brilliant idea was it to have an appointed senate? I mean really. Didn’t we all learn out lesson after GST? I - as an Albertan - think that we should stop supporting the rest of Canada until this happens.
- Let King Ralph rule!
I know what you’re thinking - that this is a terrible idea. I agree to a certain extent. Ralph Klein is a complete moron. No one disputes that. But face facts - Ralph gets stuff done, and he’s too dumb to lie and steal. Number of provinces in Canada making money: One. I wouldn’t let him be PM, but probably my Minister of Finance.
- Stop funding everything
Almost everything at any rate. I would still support health care (it can be two-tiered, I don’t really care), education, infrastructure…. that’s about it. The rest can take care of itself. Maybe I’d keep the military on the payroll, but that’s just because I don’t want to tell people with tanks that they’re all fired. Then again, they have Canadian tanks, so I’m pretty sure I could just walk away from most attacks.
- Cut taxes by about 200%
Wasn’t income tax supposed to be ‘just until the war ends’? I figure that at least 90% of the money I pay into taxes is wasted on stuff I don’t care about.
- Sell Canada to Microsoft
I assume that if you let a business run a country they could get the finances in order pretty quickly. Bill Gates obviously knows a thing or two about making money, so why not let him make some money for Canada.
- Mandatory education
That’s right, law enforced education programs. Learn or go to jail and be forced to learn. I’m pretty sure that most crappy things are a result of ignorance, so why not fight ignorance as opposed to crime & poverty?
- Segregate old people
I can’t with a clear conscious recommend killing off old people. I can suggest that they be made to shop in their own stores, eat at their own restaurant, and sit at the back of the bus. Wal-Mart Young right next to Wal-Mart Old. Then the greeters would finally have a job - IDing old bastards so they can’t piss me off. If you’ve ever worked in retail then you understand my seemingly unreasonable hatred of the elderly. I’ll write about that later….. it’s a whole new can of worms.
I’d do some other stuff too, like declare a police state and erect statues of myself. I’d also build a magnificent palace with gold toilets & gas the kurds. Ooh! I’d also have body doubles surgically altered to look more like me!
December 5, 2005 at 5:48 pm · Filed under General
Last night at about 9pm I was at home finishing up some work on the computer while my wife was reading a book beside me. Suddenly, our home alarm sounded which was made all the more frightening once I realized that I hadn’t even set it!
I quickly made my way downstairs trying not to imagine which crime could possibly be so heinous that it could sound an unarmed alarm. When I rounded the stair case and looked into the laundry room I immediately saw the culprit: water. Pink water to be precise, and it lots of it.
“WIFE!” I yelled “Get every towel we have and bring them downstairs now!”
“Why?”
“No time, just bring them down!”
She hurried downstairs with an armload of towels, took note of the cacophony with which she was faced, and began sopping up water with towels; all within a few seconds. I desperately sought out the source of the water so that I could turn it off before it got out of hand. The alarms was screaming the whole time, and I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the confusion the dogs started to bark.
Chaos reigned.
I had turned off the washer, and whatever had created this mess was no longer adding to it. I ran downstairs to cut the power to the damn alarm before I went mad.
“WIFE!” I yelled. “I need more towels!”
Water had run from the laundry room, into a hot air vent, down to the basement, and all over the electrical panel. Somewhere along it’s path, it also managed to short out the alarm. I managed to kill the AC power to the alarm, but it continued to sound. Crap. I opened the alarm panel - shortly after I found the DAMN KEY - and disconnected the battery backup.
Silence.
After much cleaning and figuring I was able to discover that Jayman - being the quality builder that they are - had cut an access panel out of the side of my house. Rather than plug the hole once they were finished, they chose to put some vinyl siding over it and call it a day. The sewer trap for the washing machine just so happened to run right next to this gaping hole, and lo and behold, the sewer trap froze. Nice. That way, when our high capacity washer tried to drain, rather than the water flowing nicely down the pipe, past the sewer trap and into the sewer, it spewed back all over the laundry room.
Oh, and the reason that the water was pink was because my wife was washing her red housecoat. She also happened to be washing all of my socks, underwear, and t-shirts which are now a delightful shade of pink. Luckily for me, pink is totally the new white.
In the end I suppose I have to congratulate Jayman. If their goal was to make as many stupid mistakes as humanly possible, they’ve exceeded my wildest expectations. Kudos!
December 3, 2005 at 12:44 pm · Filed under General
Here’s the deal: I had to get up early this morning, really early. My usual ‘be at work’ time is 10am. Today I was here at 5am. Unlike most sane persons, I cannot jump start a short sleep with caffeine because of a long standing intolerance which has been known to lead to dizziness, nausea, and confusion. As a result, when I don’t get enough sleep I feel like a big pile of crap all day long, and I’m none too shy about sharing the fact with those around me.
Now cue lunch time. I am tired, lazy, and hungry. The instant cure for all of said maladies is….. McDonald’s! Sweet filth, vile temptress; how dare you lure me into your secret lair of insatiable desire! I needed the sweet release that only MSG, salt, and sugar - all in appropriate quantities - can supply.
I pulled up to the drive through window, “I would like a Big Mac meal, super sized, with an iced tea please.” I am always very polite to those in the position to spit in my food.
“Sorry, we don’t serve lunch until 11,” came the reply.
I quickly consult the clock in my car and note that the current time is 10:52.
“C’mon, it’s 8 minutes to 11, can’t you just throw a couple of patties on for me?” I keep a playful tone in my voice with the vague hope that I can charm my way into a burger.
“We won’t be serving lunch for another 15 minutes.”
Cue Keith’s irritability: “Seriously?”
“Yes.”
Cue Keith’s anger: “That’s retarded, you’re telling me you can’t throw a patty on 6 minutes early?”
“We are still serving breakfast.”
“You suck! You know what? I don’t want anything. Booooo!” It is important to note that the ‘boooo’ was accompanied with a ‘thumbs down’ gesture. This would normally be the point where I storm off, but sadly today I’m stuck in the drive through and another car is impeding my escape. In frustration I resort to glaring at the drive through girl menacingly, until finally the path was clear.
Long story short I went to a different McDonald’s where the people weren’t retarded. Well, the might have been as they were full grown and working at McDonald’s, but they got my order right, and sold me lunch.
