Here’s the deal: I had to get up early this morning, really early. My usual ‘be at work’ time is 10am. Today I was here at 5am. Unlike most sane persons, I cannot jump start a short sleep with caffeine because of a long standing intolerance which has been known to lead to dizziness, nausea, and confusion. As a result, when I don’t get enough sleep I feel like a big pile of crap all day long, and I’m none too shy about sharing the fact with those around me.

Now cue lunch time. I am tired, lazy, and hungry. The instant cure for all of said maladies is….. McDonald’s! Sweet filth, vile temptress; how dare you lure me into your secret lair of insatiable desire! I needed the sweet release that only MSG, salt, and sugar - all in appropriate quantities - can supply.

I pulled up to the drive through window, “I would like a Big Mac meal, super sized, with an iced tea please.” I am always very polite to those in the position to spit in my food.

“Sorry, we don’t serve lunch until 11,” came the reply.

I quickly consult the clock in my car and note that the current time is 10:52.

“C’mon, it’s 8 minutes to 11, can’t you just throw a couple of patties on for me?” I keep a playful tone in my voice with the vague hope that I can charm my way into a burger.

“We won’t be serving lunch for another 15 minutes.”

Cue Keith’s irritability: “Seriously?”

“Yes.”

Cue Keith’s anger: “That’s retarded, you’re telling me you can’t throw a patty on 6 minutes early?”

“We are still serving breakfast.”

“You suck! You know what? I don’t want anything. Booooo!” It is important to note that the ‘boooo’ was accompanied with a ‘thumbs down’ gesture. This would normally be the point where I storm off, but sadly today I’m stuck in the drive through and another car is impeding my escape. In frustration I resort to glaring at the drive through girl menacingly, until finally the path was clear.

Long story short I went to a different McDonald’s where the people weren’t retarded. Well, the might have been as they were full grown and working at McDonald’s, but they got my order right, and sold me lunch.