With the impending election I am once again forced to face that fact that there isn’t anyone worth voting for. This makes me wish that I could be PM and change things more to my liking.
The first things I would do if elected Prime Minister of Canada:
- Fire Everybody
And I mean everybody. If you work for the government right now, consider yourself fired. Sure things would be broken for a while, but they would all balance out eventually. I’ve known a lot of people who work for the government, and I’ve never know one who didn’t always brag about how they never actually did anything at work. I’m tired of these people being paid.
- Dissolve the senate and make a real one
Whose brilliant idea was it to have an appointed senate? I mean really. Didn’t we all learn out lesson after GST? I - as an Albertan - think that we should stop supporting the rest of Canada until this happens.
- Let King Ralph rule!
I know what you’re thinking - that this is a terrible idea. I agree to a certain extent. Ralph Klein is a complete moron. No one disputes that. But face facts - Ralph gets stuff done, and he’s too dumb to lie and steal. Number of provinces in Canada making money: One. I wouldn’t let him be PM, but probably my Minister of Finance.
- Stop funding everything
Almost everything at any rate. I would still support health care (it can be two-tiered, I don’t really care), education, infrastructure…. that’s about it. The rest can take care of itself. Maybe I’d keep the military on the payroll, but that’s just because I don’t want to tell people with tanks that they’re all fired. Then again, they have Canadian tanks, so I’m pretty sure I could just walk away from most attacks.
- Cut taxes by about 200%
Wasn’t income tax supposed to be ‘just until the war ends’? I figure that at least 90% of the money I pay into taxes is wasted on stuff I don’t care about.
- Sell Canada to Microsoft
I assume that if you let a business run a country they could get the finances in order pretty quickly. Bill Gates obviously knows a thing or two about making money, so why not let him make some money for Canada.
- Mandatory education
That’s right, law enforced education programs. Learn or go to jail and be forced to learn. I’m pretty sure that most crappy things are a result of ignorance, so why not fight ignorance as opposed to crime & poverty?
- Segregate old people
I can’t with a clear conscious recommend killing off old people. I can suggest that they be made to shop in their own stores, eat at their own restaurant, and sit at the back of the bus. Wal-Mart Young right next to Wal-Mart Old. Then the greeters would finally have a job - IDing old bastards so they can’t piss me off. If you’ve ever worked in retail then you understand my seemingly unreasonable hatred of the elderly. I’ll write about that later….. it’s a whole new can of worms.
I’d do some other stuff too, like declare a police state and erect statues of myself. I’d also build a magnificent palace with gold toilets & gas the kurds. Ooh! I’d also have body doubles surgically altered to look more like me!
