My parents are in their 50s now, and they’re still spry and fun – but I know that it’s only a matter of time. It’s like a switch flipping, Tuesday I’ll be golfing with Dad; Wednesday he’ll be wearing high pants and reading the obituaries.
How does this happen? What creates old people? I would say ‘age’ but that can’t be that cause. A select few age without insanity. I can only assume it’s boredom that brings them down. Whatever the cause, the result infuriates me.
Reasons I hate old people:
- They constantly complain about trivial things
Now, I like to complain, but usually it’s about genuinely stupid stuff – like the elderly. Old people complain about the stupidest things. ”I can’t believe apples cost $2.49/lb! That’s outrageous!” – no actually, that’s inflation. Are seriously trying to tell me that in 80 years you weren’t able to grasp a basic concept of economics? Do old people not understand that money is actually worthless? Stores only accept it because everyone has agreed on a implied value for colorful paper. The actual cost of an item is completely arbitrary. - They’re perpetually telling me things I don’t need to know
I once had an old lady tell me that she didn’t like grapes because they gave her diarrhea. “It’s the skins you know.” No! I actually did not know that, nor did I want to. Had you just said “I don’t like grapes” that would have been good for me. I don’t need proof, or the mental image of some creepy old lady blowing ass. - They Vote
I’m young and I usually vote, unless it’s for something trivial or the outcome is predetermined regardless of my vote. Old people always vote, for everything. Luckily, they’re seldom well informed, somewhat senile, and largely ignorant. Politicians know that old people vote, so much of their policy revolves around the concerns of the elderly. Sadly, the elderly are retarded, and so too are the things which concern them – like prescription drug prices, ‘foreigners’, and social security. - They’re Slow
I would like to think that if I knew I was close to death I would desperately try to cram as much life as I could into the time I had left. Sadly this logic doesn’t hold water with the elderly. How long does it take you to buy groceries? 20-30 minutes? Not for old people, no sir, for them it is a half a day. Every price is checked and rechecked, every decision mulled over – should I get prune juice or grape juice? Oh God, this decision could alter my whole week! And what’s the difference between a lemon and a lime? I’ve lived 79 years without knowing, but it’s suddenly important enough that I have to ask someone! Uh oh, it’s time to pay, I’d best watch the till like it was a glass of water after 30 years in the desert, bitch over the price of apples, have a bag boy do no fewer than 3 price checks – “I thought they were 3 cents each, not 4!” – demand carry out service, pay with exact change – “how much was that? I know I’ve got a dime somewhere in here… Oh is this a dime? No? Oh, well, it must be in here somewhere” – then stand immediately beside the till and check the values of every item on the receipt to make sure they didn’t charge you for something twice. When a question arises as to the price of apples, do they proceed to customer service? No, they bitch to the cashier who is busy trying to help the people who’ve spent the last 4 days in line waiting for some old bugger to find a quarter. - Stinky Pee
I don’t understand this one, but if you’ve ever used the bathroom after an old person you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. What the hell are they drinking? - They Drive
Old people know that they shouldn’t be driving. In a sane society a law would be passed demanding mandatory competency tests for anyone over 60. Sadly only old people vote, so no politician would dare to introduce a policy that would alienate the elderly. Next time you complain about some crazy old lady driving an ’85 Buick LeSabre at 15km/h down the middle of the road realize this: If you didn’t vote, it is entirely your fault. - Only the stupid ones are still alive
There should be smart old people. It seems logical that if you’re intelligent, age wouldn’t have the power to dumb you down. Sadly, the stress of having lived your entire lives with the endless frustrations of stupid people leads to heart attacks, ulcers, strokes, and suicide. Thus if you’re alive and 75, chances are you got there by being too dumb to realize the burden on society that you are.
I could go on forever with reasons to hate the elderly. I will sum it up with this:
Segregate the Elderly! Vive la Separation!
