Viva Las Vegas
Las Vegas is a fun and cruel place, I’ll tell you what. I will give a brief synopsis of my four days in “Sin City” (the city, not the movie).
Wake up at 4am. Drive to airport, fly to San Francisco, fly to Las Vegas. Take a bus to my hotel, making fun of an old lady along the way who - at every stop - felt the need to ask “is this the Tropicana?”
Get to the Luxor, check it. Commence eating and drinking. Watch my Dad gamble. Walk up the strip and have my first margarita. Go shopping at The Forum Shops which includes all types of famous designer stores - realize that I cannot afford a single item at any of said stores. Somewhere around this point I notice that almost everyone in Las Vegas is overweight.
Eat, drink, gamble, bed.
Wake up after very little sleep. Eat a $15 buffet breakfast. Complain bitterly that “I thought Vegas was supposed to be cheap!” Continue to shop, eat, drink, and gamble. Buy 2 t-shirts for $10. This is by far the least expensive thing in Vegas. Meet my Aunt and Uncle. Walk approximately 400 miles. Drink to fight dehydration. Lose the fight. Ride the roller coaster at New York New York.
Cry for days. Go to “Coyote Ugly”. Leave 10 minutes later. Watch a really amazing cover band called “Phoenix”. Watch an old man trying to hook up at the Phoenix concert. Fall asleep at said concert. Wake up and go to bed.
Wake up after far too little sleep. Commence eating, drinking and gaming. Ride an even crazier roller coaster called “Speed the Ride” at the Nascar Cafe. Accelerate from 0 to 100mph in approximately 4 seconds. Get wiplash. Cry for days.
Go to the Elton John concert. Make fun of people who buy a $10 bottle of wine for $90. Enjoy the concert on levels I didn’t think possible. Celebrate by eating, drinking, and gambling. Go to sleep.
Wake up. Feel…. bad. Waste the morning and then fly out. Have a man touch my penis at the airport - at least he was kind enough to ask first. Fly home. Temperature goes from 20C to -29C. Car starts - barely. Drive home and detox for two days.
Random Observations about Las Vegas
- People say that everything is Las Vegas is cheap. Those people are dirty liars. Everything on the seedy north end of the strip is kinda cheap. That is all.
- Americans - or at least the ones in Vegas - are fat. Really fat. A bunch of fatty, fatty, fat fats.
- Either a lot of people have a lot more money than me, or a lot of people have more gambling debt than me.
- Elton John is awesome - and I can say this while being completely comfortable with my heterosexuality.
- My brother can drink a lot of margaritas. At some point in Vegas he began to yell “Seniorita needs a margarita” at intervals of 30mins. This was endlessly entertaining.
- It is entirely possible - and somewhat common - to spend over $10 on a single drink.
- Even if you’re gambling the drinks aren’t free. If you don’t tip the drink girl really well she will never come back.
