My baby is the cutest. I don’t mean to be sappy, and I’m not being silly, but seriously, how could anyone deny this:

You can’t. You can try, but you’ll fail. 

You know, I’ve actually tried to be detatched and unemotional. I’ve observed her patiently for the last year and a half. I’ve stared at her from every angle, every distance. This isn’t because I’m her Father either; as a man of science I have evaluated the evidence at hand and found all other babies wanting. 

I know what you’re thinking “that baby isn’t the cutest in the world, mine is.” That’s just sad. When you think like that, I just feel sad for you. You’re clearly not able to see how flawed and ugly your baby is because you lack my crystal clear objectivity. 

My baby is so beautiful that I would never enter her into a “beautiful baby contest” as then it would cease to be a contest. The other babies would all feel ugly and stupid, and I’d end up feeling sorry for them too. I think it’s best to let them celebrate their little victories - it’s good for their self-esteem. 

Sorry to the other babies in the world. You can be jealous - that’s just natural - but don’t blame Faye. It’s not her fault that she’s perfect.